The hat was legendary for its filth. Former Red Sox outfielder Trot Nixon always wore the same hat, throughout each season, no matter how much perspiration, dirt, bacteria, or other harmful toxins stained it. So it came as little surprise to Red Sox management when yesterday, Cody Ross reached under his locker to retrieve a gumball he dropped, and pulled out Nixon's old hat.
"Hey, take it easy, man, I was sleeping," said the hat, as astonished teammates staggered in shock. "I wasn't bothering nobody, what'd ya pull me out for?"
"You're...you're alive?" Ross asked.
"No I'm a frickin' remote controlled puppet, and the puppeteer is hiding in the other room," said the disgusted hat. "Of course I'm alive!"
Later in the day, when confronted by Call of the Green Monster, Larry Lucchino confirmed that Nixon's hat is a living organism. "It's a sort of scientific mutation of sorts that somehow developed a brain and speech patterns," he explained. "Trot's hat was always the most singularly repulsive thing I've ever seen, even more disgusting than the stuff Francona used to stuff into his mouth. But, I must say, I never would have predicted that Nixon's hat would come to life."
When asked why they didn't simply dispose of the filthy, germ-ridden hat, Lucchino became incredulous. "Why it's a miracle of modern science!" he exclaimed. "And it also kills every rat that comes within fifty yards of it..."
