Photo: NBA.com
- Troy BallardIt's almost time.
The NBA Playoffs are literally right around the corner, with the postseason tipping off at the end of April.
We've all had enough of watching the Charlotte Bobcats and the New Orleans Hornets dominate our prime-time channels. One can only watch Kemba Walker miss that mid-range jumper so many times before wanting to jump off the nearest bridge. We get it. That's why the NBA Playoffs are so exciting.
We're ready for some real basketball.
But before the postseason starts, we thought we would do everyone a favor and come up with the Ten Commandments of the NBA Playoffs:
10. Thou Shalt Not DVR Games
There is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than calling a buddy to talk about the big game and getting the stout response of, 'sorry, I DVRed it.' It's nearly as bad as watching Walker blow that jump shot, and it's totally uncool to do. Your friends are going to be so desperate to talk about the game, they will start commenting on chat forums! Chat forums.
Reportedly, people who start to comment on chat forums are *10 times more likely to never stop. Don't be an enabler.
Come on. We love our DVR's too. But this is a LIVE sporting event. Don't be that person. Just watch the game in real-time, and discuss with everyone else after the clock hits double zeros. (*Report from the studies of Beard and Stache -- or.. BS)
9. Thou Shalt Not Be A Twitter Whore
We know -- Ray Allen has the silkiest release in the NBA. We don't need to see the same tweet 400 times from everyone and their brother. ESPN and TNT have commentators for a reason. Twitter is great, but in small doses, and people actually want to be able to see information on their timeline, not your senseless profanity about how bad the referees are.
Before you know it, you will be in Twitter jail for sending out 10,000 tweets a minute, and there won't be anyone there to bail you out.
8. Thou Shalt Not Get Into Facebook Arguments
We've all been here at some point or another. Someone posts this status up before the big game, 'Erik Spolestra looks just like a spider.' Instinctively, you jump to his defense and send back some gem like this, 'Yeah, well my Mom has a better jump-shot than Rajon Rondo."
Then it blows up.
Don't be this person, either. Coach Spo doesn't need your help on Facebook.
7. Thou Shalt Not Make A Taco-Bell Run During The Game
Those Doritos Loco's Tacos look awfully tempting, don't they? While you are trying to watch quality basketball, Taco Bell is practically cramming food down your throat virtually. It takes a lot of will power to not just grab the keys and make a speed-run to the nearest 'Bell during the next commercial break.
Trust us -- you won't make it in time. It's a fool's dream.
6. Thou Shalt Only Make Several Chris Bosh Jokes
It's just too damn easy. Chris Bosh is by far the easiest player in the NBA to make fun of. It's something about his direct correlation to a T-Rex. And, when he blows that easy layup or dunk, the Jurassic Park comments are going to start flowing.
Just keep in mind, after the 500th joke, it starts to grind on the people around you. Our suggestion -- try to limit the Bosh jokes to one or two a quarter. That equals out to 4-8 a game, and that's still bearable.
5. Thou Shalt Not Doubt Dirk Nowitzki
Yeah, it's true that the Dallas Mavericks have not been anywhere near as pin-sharp this season as last year. But Dirk Nowitzki is still absolutely ridiculous. The man can not be stopped. When he's hot, it's like taking the round-trip around basketball Nirvana.
Remember when everyone laughed when Dallas was talking Finals or bust last season? Dirk still isn't laughing. He doesn't laugh. Ever. He just wins. Don't mess with him.
4. Thou Shalt Only Purchase One Derrick Rose Jersey
Derrick Rose has been in and out of the line-up this season, but the kid is still sick. If you haven't watched much of him, you will likely be hit with what we like to call Rose-Mania.
It happens to first-timers of Chicago basketball, and the symptoms generally include a strong desire to buy loads of Bulls gear and the need to move to Chi-Town. For those of us who have already survived Rose-Mania, we know how tough it is to just buy one single jersey.
We suggest the Bulls black jersey, but the red is also a solid bet too.
3. Thou Shall Participate In The Beat LA Chant
We love Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, and Blake Griffin. But we don't love them enough not to get the juices flowing with some good 'BEAT LA, BEAT LA, BEAT LA,' chants! It may seem cold to any Los Angeles fans, but the rest of the world revels in the idea of beating a city that excels in everything.
For those who are unfamiliar with what we are speaking about, just wait until you watch the Clippers or Lakers play anywhere outside of LA. It's a blast.
2. Thou Shall Tap The Brakes On King James
LeBron haters -- we see you.
Listen, no one is crazy about the way that the King left Cleveland, but can we not let bygones be bygones? The dude takes more hate than any player in modern sports. Sure, maybe he deserved it last season, but he already blew one Finals appearance. Mission accomplished!
Let's just enjoy watching him play. Especially his fourth quarter game (woops).
1. Thou Shalt Not Bandwagon Jump
We all know one person like this. They play coy coming into the postseason and generally wait three or four games before picking a team to cheer for. Then, as soon as another team starts to get red-hot, they will try and play it off like that was their team the entire time.
It's worse than James' fourth quarters (woops).
Do everyone a favor -- stick with a team and don't jump around like Carmelo Anthony's crab-run.
Be sure to follow Beard and Stache on Twitter @BeardAndStache, and also Troy @TroyBallards, Like our Facebook page HERE!
