Let’s go back in time to July of 2013. This is what I looked like:
July 22 2013
It was 9 weeks before the competition. So I was probably 112lbs.
But I recall a specific moment from this timeframe:
I recall telling my sister (and only my sister as I wouldn’t dare say it to clients or friends) the following statement:
“Everyone looks huge to me. Big. Everyone. The people I see on the tv. The models and celebrities in magazines and on the cover. Everyone on my Facebook feed. Everyone…looks…huge.”
It wasn’t so much that I felt and looked small – It was that everyone got fat. Everyone.
I remember looking at a swimsuit model and thinking, “Poor thing…she’s too big to be in that suit.”
I went to the grocery store and looked at people in line and thought, “Poor thing…she’s too big to be buying those chips and cookies.”
I went to the gym and thought, “Poor people walking the treadmill…they must be exhausted carrying all that weight.”
Just let that sink in for awhile. Me. A Personal Trainer. Thinking everyone I looked at was huge. Ginormous. BIG.
How is that normal? How is that acceptable to think that way? I was completely distorted. Why? Probably because every time I looked in the mirror, I was getting SMALLER. I was getting so lean, that it seemed like everyone else was gaining weight by comparison. AND because people kept telling me, “You’re so small! You look great! You’ve lost so much weight, oh my gosh, you look so small!”
Although people were trying to give me compliments, they were reinforcing my thought that, Yes, I am small. This is a good thing.
As I got bigger after the competition, that feeling and perception went away. And my perception returned to “normal.” THANK GOODNESS.
It was quite possibly one of the strangest and startling things that happened to me during that period of time.
Now, that I’m building again, I am well aware of potential setbacks and feelings having gone through this before. I’m feeling much more prepared and confident. I don’t think you can fully prepare yourself for what is reflected in the mirror staring back at you once you start to change your physique (on purpose or by accident). It’s startling to see yourself in a particular way (I’m so much bigger than I was! I’m so much smaller than I was! I’m way more muscular than I have ever been!) and hopefully it’s a positive experience.
But this is the part where I point out that double standard: Society says we can’t tell someone that they look too big or too fat or too muscular but we are completely allowed to tell someone they are too skinny or too lean or too small. As if telling someone they are TOO much of something based on their appearance is EVER a good thing. No. Not even when you’re complimenting them, it really isn’t.
Because although that person you’re trying to compliment might not be training for a competition, I’m trying to give you an idea of what goes through the mind of someone who is dieting or training or struggling with their journey since they, too, might have a body distortion issue.
Instead of attaching a size to a comment, can we change the dialog to start saying things like:
“Hey there good lookin!”
“That dress you have on is a great color on you.”
“You’re looking well today.”
Is there a reason we have to tell someone how they look and give it a size?
“You look great, have you lost weight?” – What if someone just looks great because they’re in a good mood that day?
“You look great, have you been eating more? You were looking too small last time I saw you. Glad you put on some size.” – Because your opinion matters, yes.
“You look great, what size are you now? A 3 or a 4? That’s awesome! How big were you? Like a 12?? Wow!” – So now that I’m smaller, am I a better person now? Wasn’t I okay at a size 12?
Let me give an example that just happened to me:
I was told I was looking “really small” by another female who really had no idea I’m trying to bulk up. I wasn’t insulted. She thought she was complimenting me! (It’s not very common for women to WANT to get bigger). I know this. But even though I know this, guess what I did about 20 minutes later?
I downed a bag of chocolate covered almonds because…ya know, “Gotta eat to grow, bro.”
I had the idea in my head that “I’m small. That’s not good. I need to get bigger, therefore, gotta eat more.”
It was actually kind of funny at the time, and I like to think I have a mostly POSITIVE body image, but what if I was a binge and purger? What if I had a really bad history of yo-yo dieting or poor self image? And what if she had said “You look kinda small” in a way that made me second guess her intentions?
“What did she mean by that? Did she mean I should be even smaller? Did she mean I’m not small enough? Does she think I’m TOO small?”
I should have said to my friend, “Hey thanks…Actually, it’s funny you should say that. I’m trying to put on muscle…So hopefully next time you see me, I’ll look bigger!”
Just be careful with the comments to someone who is struggling or trying to make changes to their physique.
Chances are, they have enough dialog going on in their head. And what they see in the mirror might be in complete distortion to what you see when you look at them.
P.S. I have posted progress pics in the Progress Pic page but here they are to save you a click:
March 13th, 2015. 135lbs and feeling strong, but not too fluffy.
The caption from my Instagram page: I’m Huge! :) 5 Months to go until my next figure competition. Feeling good at 135lbs.
And I’m proud to say the comments were all positive reinforcement. :)
