Sick from drinking so much.
I could feel my insides deteriorating.
This routine lasted from June 2009 to December 2009. During the 7 months, I recall drinking everyday, except on days where I had literally became sick from drinking so much. My sickness included a complete loss of energy, constant vomiting, hangovers, nausea, headaches, etc. When I felt like this I would usually take a day off from drinking and eat something healthy and fulfilling. I would also drink a lot of water and V8 juice, which someone had recommend to me as a good health supplement. This would make me feel better and I would simply continue my drinking the next day. Later on in recovery, I learned that this is what's known as "alcoholism". It's one thing to be an alcoholic and not be able to control your drinking, but it's another thing to continue drinking after realizing that it's killing you. Alcohol had already been the reason for me loosing my job, dropping out of school and loosing my license. Now it was beginning to strip away my health. At times, I felt like a walking corpse; a man dying from the inside out. I could feel my insides deteriorating and could even smell alcohol coming out of my pores. I was beginning to live out the "ism" of alcoholism, which is continuing to drink and thinking that "maybe it will be different this time." Alcoholism goes hand-in-hand with Albert Eisenstein's definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I couldn't face the reality of possibly going back to jail.
My drinking had heavily increased because like I've been emphasizing, I couldn't face certain realities in my life. The sentencing for my second D.U.I. was approaching and I was going to continue to run from it by drinking myself into a fantasy world for as long as I could. For one of the first times in my life, I was scared. I was never suicidal but at times I didn't even want to wake up in the morning. I felt like I had nothing good to look forward too, only bad. In the coming months, all I had to look forward to was probation, court fines, state fines, random alcohol/drug testing and possibly going to jail. I had a friend who had two D.U.I.s and the court sentenced him to 90 days in jail! I thought they might do the same thing to me, especially since I was almost 3 times over the legal limit. When it was time for me to attend my pre-trial, I couldn't sleep the night before. I simply couldn't believe that this was happening to me. The only thing I knew to do was drink about it. I remember waking up the morning of my pre-trial and drinking. By the time I was supposed to be leaving for court, I didn't feel drunk, but I had a lot of alcohol in me.
The court almost issued a warrant for my arrest.
I drove up to the courthouse and was told that I needed to blow in a breathalyzer as part of the pre-trial. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, I can't take a breathalyzer. I've been drinking all night and this morning." After they told me that, I left the courthouse and went to Subway. I ordered a sub to try and absorb some of the alcohol. I went back to the courthouse and they said they were just about to issue a warrant for me leaving the courthouse like that. They asked me where I went. I lied and told them that I went outside to go pray. They asked me how I got up to the courthouse and I lied and told them that a friend of mine dropped me off and he was waiting outside. I finally took the breathalyzer and blew a .26. I was more than 3 times over the legal limit! My tolerance had gotten so high that I was able to still function regularly while having a large amount of alcohol in my system. The probation officer told me that when he tells the judge he might put me in jail. He asked me if I had been drinking that morning and I told him no, but I told him I had drank all night. I thought that just sounded better than me waking up drinking before going to court. They ended up letting me go and told me to come back the next day. They told me not to have any alcohol in me this time.
I got sentenced in December of 2009.
A remote alcohol monitor.
So I didn't drink for the rest of that day and the next morning. I went back to the courthouse and passed the breathalyzer with a .00. The probation department administered multiple test and asked me a series of questions about my alcoholism as part of the pre-trial. About two months later, my lawyer and I were present at the courthouse for my sentencing. I was sentenced to18 months probation, about $3,000 in court fines, about 2,000 in state fines and random alcohol/drug testing. I remember the judge asking me if I was an alcoholic. I looked at him thinking, "C'mon man. You take all this money and freedom away from me and now want me to attach the label of alcoholic to myself." It took me a while but eventually I said "yes". It was the first time I had ever admitted to being an alcoholic. The crazy thing about that was that I still didn't think I really was one. I still had that image of a drunk man holding a sign on a freeway service drive in my head. I remember the judge saying this one thing to me. He said, "If you're going to continue to drink, your relationship with alcohol has to change." I guess the beginning of this change was to spend 60 days under remote alcohol monitoring. The judge sentenced me to random alcohol test from home 4 times a day by means of a remote alcohol monitor.
