My face is hidden high up in the clouds
Growing up it was really difficult to concentrate on anything in reality because I choose instead to live in a state of pretend. Pretend land was a safe place to hide. Everyday I would adorn myself in tutus and dance around carelessly. I dreamed of being a beautiful ballerina to distracted my mind from connecting the dots.
In middle school things changed for the worse. The year of the rebel punk stage. I remember at 7 years old grabbing a large knife out of the bottom cabinet and wanting to kill myself with it. In confusion I did not know why I was doing what I was doing and put it back. Everything seemed so confusing and overwhelming. It was as if the elephant was in the closet, but no one ever put anything into words.
“It seemed safer to hold it in, where the only one who could judge was me.”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen
Neither of my parents were present. Instead of love we all choose to disconnect with addictions. Secrets, control and child pornography lingered thickly in the air. I couldn’t breath… my memories faded to darkness.
After High school my parents finally divorced. It was not easy dealing with the repercussion of the unexpected leave. No one really understood because our family looked so together from the outside. They said that I was a bad daughter for leaving and spread awful rumors.
I was left with years of repression and anger. My outlet for coping turned from creativity to rebellious experimentation. I used addictions to numb emotion.
- Alcohol binges
- Inappropriate sexual activity
- Spending splurges
- Workaholic
- Perfectionism
- Passive aggression
All of which do not fill the void in my broken little soul.
Nurture back to life this broken soul
Write, paint, draw, photo document away the pain. Do whatever it may be that brings your inner child joy again. Find a healthy outlet. Try making a color emotion wheel to understand what you are feeling inside. Today it is ok to feel and to tell the truth. It’s ok to accept yourself just as you are. You are a beautiful soul.
Black - Fear
Grey - Depression
Mint green - Calm
Forest green - Envy
Grey purple – Confusion
Blue - Sadness
White - Empty
Orange - Hate
Brick red - Insecurity
Dark orange - Anxiety
Red - Anger
Stay strong<3 you are not alone
