Baseball Magazine

Panicking Bobby V Reinstates Clubhouse and In-Game Drinking

By Callofthegreenmonster @cotgm

As the Red Sox sink deeper into the abyss of the AL East with another crushing defeat, manager Bobby Valentine hastily called a team meeting to reverse a recently established policy.  "I'm a man who's not afraid to admit a mistake," said the manager.  "True, I've made so few of them in life that there isn't much to admit, but in this case I certainly was wrong to banish drinking from the clubhouse and during games."

With that, Valentine raised a bottle of sake and chugged away, saying that clubhouse and even gametime drinking were not only allowed, but encouraged.  Whoops and cheers were heard from the players.  "I've got new found respect for you Bobby," said Kevin Youkilis as he kissed Valentine's cheek.  "I was questioning your committment," he continued as they both laughed, "but let's get drunk and forget about past differences."

Dustin Pedroia, already on his third beer, poured some over Bobby V's head, and said, "Dude, this IS the way we do things around here." Liquor continued to flow, and a new sense of team bonding, warmth, and kinship could be witnessed as players staggered around the clubhouse.

"I think we'll be a much more relaxed team," said a pragmatic Valentine, as a player could be heard vomiting in the background.  "Yeah, we'll deal with hangovers, but hell, baseball players have been overcoming hangovers since the game started."

Amidst the celebration and revelry, John Henry walked in.  "Did we win something?" he asked excitedly. "Oh, please tell me we won something!"

"No," came a slurred reply.  "We're just getting trashed."

"Ah," said the owner sadly.  "So even with all the changes it's like September all over again. Might as well drink through the misery."

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