And first of all - 'Pinch, punch, first day of the month, no returns, white rabbit'! For the first time in decades I actually beat the Memsahib to it this morning. Anyway, I trust there has been no Ferguson-style riots in the workshops of the world because my Monday Funnies are late - "events, dear boy, events".
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger erupts and she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.
A man sittng at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced QUICHE !"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa,.......... go home!'
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And now some great Truths all the way from that philosophers' paradise, er, Australia - eat your heart out Vienna!
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone from Queensland would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 .. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
