If there is any heartbreak that is so hard to mend, it is losing one's parents.
I don't even know how to describe what I feel inside when I knew that you already left me. It is far worse than getting my heart broken by a lover or whatnot.
In fact, everything seemed fine. She didn't show any peculiarity on the way she acted. When the morning of her death came, I was shocked. I have been preparing myself for the worst - both of us. But, preparation did nothing. The pain was excruciating and it still is.
My mother used to say to me, "dahun na sadja ha pagkausug," which means "carry it as if you are a man." She sure did a great job at carrying her burden and managed to still smile at me.
You see, at the moment, my mother was everything I had. And now she's gone. Her smile, laughter, voice, face, everything about her is nothing but a memory. In my previous post, I talked about how she depended on me. But really, I am the one that has been and still is depending on her.
And now, I have no one to share this heartbreak. There are a lot of people who came to my rescue. But no one is like my mother. No one gives the best comfort like she does. No one understands me better like she does. It is even ironic that I long for her comfort for the reason that I lost her.
I have accepted her demise. As what I've said, I've prepared myself. But this longing is never going away - not now, not ever.
I know I have to move on and start anew. It is what she wanted. She told me to pursue my dreams even though she won't be here to support me anymore.
All I can do for now is take small steps. If I make the big leap, I am afraid I am going to lose myself. My friends can attest to how hard I try to take it all and be okay. However, when the world is quiet and I am alone, I can't help but reminisce all the times I had with my mom. As an only child, the pain is double.
Even though I was only able to spend a little amount of time with my parents - my dad for 15.5 years and mom for 24.70 years, we sure did have lots of memories together.
I am more than happy that the Almighty SWT gave me amazing parents. Although we were not rich, alhamdulillah, they were able to give me more than what I needed. Indeed, I can never ask for more (although I wanted more time with them) because they are in a better place where there is no more burden from cancer.
As for moving on and starting anew, please include me in your dua. I badly need them at the moment.
