Right, let me confess immediately, I have never watched a single Eurovision Song Contest since gaining the distinct impression that there were rarely any songs in it, and also forming the opinion that it was merely another example of the Clausewitzean precept of 'war by other means'! Reading today's reports on the 'contest' confirmed my worst suspicions. However, what I have obviously missed is the fact that it is full of good jokes beginning with this year's winner, a bearded Austrian transvestite - good for him, er, I mean her, oh, you know what I mean, dammit!
Hair, oops, sorry, Herr Conchita Wurst, or should that be Fraulein, I dunno, life is very complicated these days, achieved several major 'hits' last night. The Austrian extreme Right party suffered a corporate seizure as it, er, choked on its 'Wurst' - boom-boom! But better still, it was a totally bad night at the opera for 'Vlad the Impaler'. His Russian presenters were booed! Needless to say, the Russian votes were a full twelve points to neighbouring Belarus, ten to Azerbaijan and eight to Armenia - so how's that experiment in democratic free choice going, then, Vlad? Apparently Armenia and Belarus returned the compliment by voting for Russia and their reward was to be booed as well! According to The Independent:
Russian politician Vitaly Milonov, one of the architects of the country’s gay propaganda law, called Wurst a “pervert” and labelled the competition a “hotbed of sodomy”.
If only it was that interesting! Anyway, needless to say, poor old Britannia finished halfway down the list which, I believe, was slightly better than usual but at least we were not booed. Our torch-bearer (or should that be torch-singer?) was a certain Miss Molly Smitten-Downes which is a jolly nice and rather posh name and I assumed she would be singing something awfully smart by Noel Coward, but then I saw a photo of her covered in tattoos up and down each arm and even including the palms of her hands. Mama would not approve, Molly!
Anyway, somewhat late in the day I am beginnig to get the joke that is the Eurovision Song Contest. I am even thinking of entering myself next year. Of course, I can't sing so that's a good start. And I think I will wear a suitably Euro-style costume beginning with a bowler hat, complete with leder-hosen, a French waiter's long apron, an Austrian blouse, Cossack boots and eat a bowl of spaghetti whilst singing my song. Be honest ... what do you think?
