I had an experience over the weekend that was really unnerving. I allowed myself to get pretty upset over something relatively trivial, and also let it ruin my night with my friend.
We received terrible service and average food at an expensive restaurant, and they were only apologetic right at the end when we left with our food mostly uneaten and we were still made to pay the full price.
It’s annoying, but one shouldn’t let it ruin their night, right? It’s hard not to, but frankly I was surprised at myself because generally I have become pretty good at maintaining a certain distance with negative situations and don’t allow myself to become immersed in them. Perhaps it was because we’re saving and it was a real treat to go out to a nice dinner; which was why I felt such disproportionate disappointment.
Following this, I just felt a huge amount of guilt for wanting to leave early and cutting off my friend’s night. Arriving home, all I could do was acknowledge how I felt and accept what had happened, and just try not to get caught up in it. (For the record, I called my friend up and took her out for a gorgeous breakfast the next day to make up for the night and my bad mood – she loved it and it made me feel amazing, regardless of what happened).
Through my professional and personal relationships I’ve learned some of the best ways to keep your cool when the situation gets sticky:
- In an argument? Never blame.
Everyone’s heard of the Blame Game. “You did this, you didn’t do that, you made me feel like this.” It’s a dead-end street, because as soon as you start to blame someone they immediately become defensive and will likely say anything to prove you wrong – even if you know and they know you’re right. Often, that thing they say in defense will sting like hell, too, and just accelerate the situation. Instead, use language like, “I felt like this when…” or “I know that you are so great at listening, and I really do appreciate it, but sometimes I feel that I’m not acknowledged when I feel a certain way.” Reason with them, explain it without blaming them so they can step back and see your side. - Feeling emotional? Find an outlet to let it out.
I find writing works for me. Talking with a friend is great also, but sometimes I just work myself up even more when I talk about a situation that I’ve not yet been able to work through in my own mind. I find it’s great to talk about issues once I’ve figured out how I feel about it. If I’m still trying to understand a situation and map it out in my head, the best way for me to go about it is to write it down. Not only does it help me sort through what’s happened, it solidifies my view on the situation so that I feel 100% confident about my stance. Or if I feel I’ve done wrong, I apologize or do something about it. If writing’s not for you, perhaps it’s painting, or swimming, or playing an instrument. I do think writing something down works wonders though. It helps to get the situation off your chest. - Disengage from others’ emotional states
This is a really, really hard thing to do. I am a particularly empathetic person, which is both a blessing and a curse, so I’ve found disengaging from other people’s emotions extremely difficult. If everyone else at work is stressed, in the past I have become caught up in that and either felt defensive or just anxious. Similarly, in my personal relationships, when someone else is angry or stressed I find it difficult not to reverberate the same kind of energy. My first reaction is to extricate myself from the situation – I just want to get away from that person in that negative state. It’s not always possible, though. Again, my process is to map it out. Write it down, work it out, look objectively at what’s happening from an outsiders’ perspective. Then, write down your thoughts on the matter, accept the situation, and allow yourself to be immersed in a bubble of untouchable protection. - Know who you are, and what you stand for
Sometimes, the most difficult thing in life is to know what you want, who you are, and what your values are. Circumstances and situations can detract from who and what we thought we were, and undermine what we believe our values to be. Rather than cling on to your past values, I find that what works for me is to rework them. Revise and update them according to the situation. So, things aren’t perfect. So, you’ve maybe not behaved in a way that fits with what your values are. That’s fine. It is what it is. Revise, rework, accept, and move forward.
How do you find yourself reacting when you’re in a sticky spot?
