Hidden Tears

Strength was what I lacked. It was like my life was hanging by a thread, a thread that would break any moment. Any moment my life could end, could shatter away like a piece of glass. But I could make it thru the weakness; at least there was a possibility. But the fear of now or never fogged my mind every time I found a conclusion.There she was, lying in peace. I was afraid to look at her. For it may be the last time. I was sitting on the edge of a bed, where she lying still. Just three weeks back she seemed absolutely fine. Happy. But now everything was different. Everything had changed within a split of a second. And all I could do was just sit next to my mother, crying silently. I could see from the window. The sky was a dark gray with haphazard clouds roaming around aimlessly. At this moment of my life, I envied the clouds. So free, Nothing to do, No responsibility and above all no tensions. I could still remember the evil ugly two toothed grin that old tarot card lady had smiled before she gave me a very cold welcome into a bottomless pit of fear. “Ah..  it has been sometime since I have seen a person as ill fated as you” she had said once I had entered into the small tent where she sat on a big blue cushion in front of a round blue globe. Never for once in my life had I thought that such things were true in all my life. All my life I had been told that the act of predicting future is haram, forbidden and one should not listen to it or follow it but now I was doubting my faith so bad, I was ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror.“THOSE WHO REJECT FAITH IN THE SIGNS OF ALLAH WILL SUFFER THE SEVEREST PENALTY AND ALLAH IS EXHALTED IN MIGHT LOARD OF RETRIBUTION“To look a person in the eye and telling him everything is going to be okay when u know it’s not, seems very difficult. To meet a person every single day and act perfectly normal around him knowing what ill fate he will go through and not being able to do anything about it is much much much more difficult. Trust me I know! How I had just went into tears after talking to mama, and this was more than enough to tell me that the rest of my life is going be a misery. As I was pondering upon all these thoughts, a tear trickled down my cheek and the next moment, I had shoved my face in my hands weeping silently.Huge heavy drops of rain had started to pour down now. Drizzling. My eyes, still red and puffy from all the crying. The words of that bitchy tarot card reader echoed in my mind. “oho poor soul. Ghalat jaga pr aa gayyeee na?? ab bhugto!! Hahah” (took step in the wrong place, now u must suffer ill fate) “ullu ki pathii” I silently muttered (honestly I don’t know what this is called in English :/). In all this fiasco, I was happy for my younger brother. His future had spoken very high of him. He was going to be successful in his life. Good education, well paid job, a loving and caring wife and to carry the family lineage. That would make father happy too. The thought of father immediately brought my parents wedding picture in my mind. How happy they seem to be in that picture. And how in the end their marriage would not last. Again I was weeping. “what have I done to deserve this??” I said as if someone would be there who would take me in his arms and make me feel all better. Console me. But no, this was not another clichéd Indian movie. It was reality. No one was there to hold me. I was alone, without any help.  I was all alone. I kept reciting Surah Al-Ikhlas, not even knowing its proper meaning, what was it that I was asking my lord for? But I loved the way the talfuz (words) of this surah rhythmically danced from my tongue and soared into the air. “LUM-YAA -LID WALUM UU-LAD” this was my favorite part. When I was young my mom used to sing this into my ear. This was her idea of a lullaby. I still loved it. She had told me to call upon my lord whenever I was lonely or helpless. “Even if I m not there to help my beloved daughter, Allah Tallah will for surely do so”. Another tear trickled down cheek when the thought of my mama dying crossed my mind.