After suffering the most humiliating loss in the history of his ownership, John Henry was dreading the thought of his team taking another pounding at the hands of the dreaded New York Yankees. The owner decided to call on this self-proclamined mystical abilities to perform a rain dance on the field the morning of the scheduled night game.
Wearing a scanty outfit of feathers and turquoise, meant to symbolize the wind and rain respectively, Henry said he received his training during a spiritual retreat with the Opadage and Quavia Indian tribes of Missouri and Arkansas. (A quick internet search revealed no such tribes exist.) Henry performed a 10 minute ceremony, and proclaimed that the rains would soon come and force a cancellation.
"He looked like a friggin' idiot," said a disgusted Bobby Valentine. "It was an insult to every Native American. He was actually down there saying 'how' to the grounds crew and offering a 'peace pipe' that looked like one of those cheap corn cob things you buy at a 5 and 10."
"Uh, there was like a 150% chance of downpours anyway," said a skeptical Ben Cherington. "So we get humiliated by the Rangers, humiliated by the Yankees, and now we have our owner on the field in what looks like a kid's Halloween costume doing a dance to get us out of a game tonight. Makes you proud to be a Red Sox."
A group of genuine Native Americans came to the park to protest Henry's insensitivity, but decided to abandon their plans when they saw the extent to which Henry was making a fool of himself. "The dance he wanted to be doing is the bullpen dance," said a would-be protester with a smirk. "More than rain, the team needs a bullpen."
