Community Magazine

Going Uder

By Uglytruthis

Lately I have felt like whiny little child…

Maybe because someone inside of me is

I had terrible nightmares last night of abuse relived

It was terrifying and I woke up today feeling undone

It is my moms birthday today as normal she is too busy to come home and spend time with me….

I am never as important as church or her constant obsession with being busy and fixing people and doing everything for everyone else but herself

I feel so lonely, I have no idea how to let people close and I am so discomforted in my skin

I am not too sure how to deal with the trauma world locked away inside my head…I don’t know who to trust and feel so very scared

As a child I was basically birthed at the church, a very corrupt one for that matter

Religion was a family obsession with a long list of what not to do, even though we did these things anyways

I became confused with the real and the fake

A world where people said all the right things, yet there actions said the opposite

I never felt important enough as I played pretend in the back of the lonely empty halls of my church days upon days

I did not know what else to do but pretend that things where better and live in an alter reality where things where more beautiful, where there was no pain

I remember the disquieting silence of a prison home

Hiding elephants in the corner and skeletons underneath our beds

…Within the silence is screaming truth, of which I do not even know

Drowning in silence

Lately I have been revisiting old songs I listened to in childhood and it is crazy how the only way I could express my true feeling was through song lyrics of which I did not even realize where expressing the pain I denied.

Stay strong <3"><3"><3 you are not alone

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