I have no more appetite for life. Food has lost its luster, and has been replaced with empty valleys of anxiety and fear. I have reverted back to a state of insomnia. Before my parents divorced I would stay awake until 5-6 o’clock in the morning in an attempt to protect myself.
I can not seem cover over the feelings of shame. I feel so gross inside and no amount of clothes and make up can cover over the feelings. No amount of smiling and pretending to be someone who people want to see makes this pain go away.
As we walk around masking realities in the shadows of disbelief
I find myself face to face with fear itself. Fearing rejection therefore I push everyone away. Fearing feelings of hurt therefore I hide from the world in the safety of these walls. Walls that confine a fragile heart. Fearing failure therefore I choose to not try at all so my hopes wont be let down. Mostly I fear trusting anything.
It is impossible to think rationally when all I can hear is abuse screaming inside my head.
- “You are so stupid”
- “you can’t do anything right”
- “You always say the wrong thing”
- “No one likes you”
- “You are just a mistake”
- “You are never going to amount to anything”
- “You are a failure”
- “You don’t deserve love”
- “You don’t deserve to eat”
- “You are worthless”
These thoughts can drive one mad, so in an attempt to beat the insanity I draw all things lovely and try to focus on the simplicity of using crayons. Feel free to join me.
Stay strong<3 You are not alone
