Baseball Magazine

Don't #%&@ing Panic, Philadelphia! The Phillies Opening Play This Season is Alarming!

By Beardandstache @BeardAndStache

Don't #%&@ing Panic, Philadelphia! The Phillies Opening Play This Season is Alarming!

Photo: Tim Hawk - Gloucester Times

- Troy Ballard


After all, making irrational and robust accusations, assumptions, and jumping to the earliest possible conclusions is exactly what Philadelphia fans do best.
It's kind of our thing.
Luckily, Philly sports fans have had the recent luxury of having one team that is always clear of the accusations and assumptions -- the Phillies.
Maybe not so much.
That Phillies team -- the one that has every member inducted into Sainthood -- is off to a 1-3 start to the season.


What?


*Does Not Compute, Please Refer to 2008 Championship Season. Thanks for Supporting the Phillies!*


I know. It's ridiculous.
What's even more ridiculous is that two of those losses were handed to Philadelphia by the bottom-dwelling swashbuckling Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pittsburgh Pirates! The team has Rob Barajas a starter! This should have been an easy sweep, especially given the pitching talent that was thrown at a weak Pirates line-up.
Rob.. Barajas..
That third loss happened in the Phillies home opener against a re-tooled and re-energized Miami Marlins team. This one being slightly less embarrassing, but still nothing to be proud of -- Philadelphia dropped the ball in front of a sell-out crowd, and lost to the rival Marlins in a 6-2 heartbreaker.
The only bright spot? Being lucky enough to hear Ozzie Guillen talk about how much he adores Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro! After that little slip-up about Guillen's true love of Communism, the Marlins decided it would be in the team's best interest to slap him on the wrist with a five-game suspension.
That means that the Phillies will get a leadership-less Marlins team for the remainder of this three-game series. At least that's something to look forward to.
But as of this moment, Citizens Bank Park is being encircled by fans ready to riot at the mere idea of losing another game and slipping even further away from .500. This city isn't ready to fall back into losing in every single sport.
And Phillies fans do have good reason to riot, here are a few numbers:
- .198 Team Batting Average
- 8 Total Runs on Season
- 1 Homerun on Season
To think, when Saint Chase Utley and Saint Ryan Howard were both healthy, all people did was complain. Howard strikes out too much. Utley is reckless at the plate. The combo is just a walking double-play. Those two might as well just go to the plate without a bat and take the out, it sure saves us time.
Sound familiar?
Maybe not quite. But Phillies fans have all said something along those lines about Utley and Howard at some point. It was well noted that losing those two heading into 2012 was going to be a huge hit offensively, but no one even fathomed this sort of drop off in production.
The Phillies, who were frequently regarded with Charlie Manuel, as one of the strongest hitting teams in MLB, have totally flopped. The team starting showing symptoms of the offensive-blues (even with Utley and Howard starting) last season, and the bug has carried right into this year.
About the only good part about this team is the pitching. Of course with Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Vance Worley, the pitching is going to be phenomenal regardless. We've seen limited innings from $50 million man Jonathan Papelbon, and some have even gone as far as to question Manuel's managing ability without a solid offense backing him up.
The Phillies still have 150+ games to work out the kinks, but even if the team does, this opening to the 2012 season has been nothing short of alarming. Or maybe I am just guilty of overreacting with the rest of Philadelphia -- we can't help it.
Be sure to follow Beard and Stache on Twitter @BeardAndStache, and also Troy @TroyBallards, Like our Facebook page HERE!

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