Baseball Magazine

Clemens Rejects Recent Acquittal, Saying, "I Never Quit Nothing"

By Callofthegreenmonster @cotgm

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One would have thought it would have been a moment of supreme joy.  Roger Clemens, disgraced PED user, faced perjury charges for lying to congress in his denial of using the substances. When he was acquitted earlier this week, Clemens' few supporters were joyously relieved. But when the former pitcher stood before the media, he was raging.

"This is the worst possible outcome for me," a disgusted Clemens fumed. "Their final verdict is that I'm a quitter! No way, man.  I worked too hard for that.  Why the hell do you think I took all them human growth hormone and steroids?  So I could work harder and not be a quitter!  Remember my last four years in Boston? I was a quitter then.  But steroids changed all that."

Clemens attorney Rusty Hardin, who had an engagement to throw out the first cock at a cockfight in a Houston suburb later that day, said he would work to make Clemens understand the meaning of the verdict.  "Roger has a little difficulty with words," Hardin said, while launching a slimy load of tobacco from his mouth. "I mean, I love taking the boy's money and all, but we're talking about a guy who for the life of him can't understand the difference between see and sea. The boy's an imbecile. The boy's can't-get-out-of-his-own-way dumb.  Dumb enough to think there might be people in this world who believe he never used steroids!"

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