Ever since taking over for former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, Ben Cherington has been trying to establish a record of his own. Since he has made no acquisitions to boast about, Cherington is trying to prove that he is every bit as adept at building winning teams through statistical analysis than his predecessor. His initial computations on the season, however, brought unexpected results, and don't bode well for the team as they move toward reaching .500 after a wretched start.
"This team is significantly weakened by having me for a GM," Cherington revealed at a recent press conference yesterday, showing graphs and pie charts that indicate the team's position. "When Theo announced he was leaving, the figures show we got worse. When I was announced as the new GM, it got significantly worse. When my biggest offseason move was trading Marco Scutaro, the team fell off the charts. I am killing us, there's no question about it."
John Henry, who has a well-known love for such statistical analysis, took the news rather calmly. "The stats also show that Bobby V weakens us, as does losing Papelbon, as does the boatload of injuries we've had, as does our new penny-pinching mode of making no conscious effort to improve the team. What can I say? Better get your Liverpool soccer tickets while they last!"
