Humor Magazine

Actually, No, This Was Not in Arkansas

By Davidduff

Before I begin allow me to offer grovelling apologies for my absence yesterday.  It was a combination of "events, dear boy, events" plus inertia.  We are 'suffering' (gimme more!) with global warming at the moment and I have watched the various shrubs in my garden gradually overgrowing everything including the path to my door which is no bad thing in itself if it keeps away visitors!  However, it suddenly occurred - and, yes, you're right, I'm not a quick thinker - that any day now the weather will change overnight and we will be in for rain, snow and ice which will make trimming the garden back a hundred times more uncomfortable.  Honesty insists that I admit that my garden is only just bigger than a postage stamp and any real gardener would simply sneer at my idleness - but then again, I never claim to be any sort of gardener! 

So that was the 'event' that interfered with my day but on top of that the fact is, incredibly for an old bore like me, I really didn't have anything much to say about anything!  And the truth is that I still don't but happily 'the cousins' can always be relied upon to throw up a headline that catches the eye and kick starts the imagination.  Like this, for example, from CBS Connecticut - not Arkansas, please note:

Naked Man Accused Of Raping Pit Bull In Neighbor’s Yard,    Says ISIS Sent Him

Now, dear reader, I want you to mull that over.  Relish it.  Like a piece of Shakespearean text, it is filled with hidden meaning, it resonates, so let your imagination soar as it contemplates the myriad possibilities.

For a start, surely this man is deserving of the Congressional Medal of Honour.  Some of us chaps might, in times of dire need, and under the influence of several pints, contemplate for 2.07 nano-seconds, giving the neighbour's Bichon Frisé a seeing to.

Actually, no, this was not in Arkansas

Well, at least it's a pretty dog!  But who, even after, say, 10 years in the 'Scrubs' and with twelve pints of celebratery 'black and tan' swilling around inside them and eager to make up for lost opportunities would contemplate showing this monster 'a good time'?

Actually, no, this was not in Arkansas

Even 'Big Bubba' in 'D'-wing looks more attractive - and less dangerous - than that mutt.  To be fair to the gentleman concerned in this Connecticut affair, the Pitbull he fancied was a female, a 'Pitcow', I suppose you would call her, so it's good to know that the homosexual lobby in America has still some way to go!

According to the report, the lady owner of the dog claimed that the man said that ISIS had sent him.  If you are a dog-owner, you have been warned, this could be the start of an entirely new campaign by those scallywag terrorists who are obviously bent - remember, I do the jokes round here! - on shagging the dog population of the west.  The result of this mass miscegenation is difficult to foresee but if your next brood of puppies comes out barking "Allāhu Akbar" then I think a large sack and a visit to your local river is called for!

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