Humor Magazine

A Vintage Year for Mega-sport Clusterfucks!

By Davidduff

I am a sports fan.  Well, to be more accurate, I am a fan of sporting clusterfucks and, yes, that makes me a mean-spritied, old curmudgeon but, heh! - that's the way I like me!  Actually, the recent death of Sir Chris Chataway reminded me of the way sport used to be, that is, genuine amateurs giving every ounce of effort in pursuit of a sport they loved.  (Incidentally, Chataway's Wiki entry is worth reading for the story of a life well-lived.)  Alas, global communications led to massive audiences and that was when the 'filthy lucre' flowed in and sluiced most sports down the sewer.  Today we have these bloated international leviathons like FIFA and the International Olympic Committee led by pompous, slippery, jumped-up toads like Sepp Blatter.  Thus my love turned to hate but as these monstrosities have grown ever-larger so their propensity for gigantic clusterfucks has grown with them.

The 2012 London Olympics was a huge disappointment to me - it worked, more or less.  Of course, the private company responsible for security ripped off the government but, honestly, who could blame them?  Anyway, as so often in the past, the British army was available to haul the government's arse out of trouble. (Today, another 1,500 soldiers will receive the government's thanks in the form of redundency notices - so no change there, then!)  However, this year us spoil-sports are set to enjoy double-bubble!  First, we have the Russian Winter Olympics which has already started badly with 'Vlad the Impaler' trying hard to mask his real feelings by passing a law against homosexuals - come of it, Vlad, darling, you're not fooling me!  Where-ever you are in the world I promise you will hear my whinnies of unadulterated pleasure if two men (or better still, women!) give each other a big snog on the podium as they receive their medals.  More serious, indeed, anything but a joking matter, is the very real possibility of a terrorist attack which I pray does not happen.  However, even the threat of it should reduce the number of visitors by tens of thousands and hopefully a few corrupt Russkies will go broke!

Next in line is this year's football World Cup.  It is no longer enough for the England football team to finish next to last like the big bunch of jessies they are because we have all become used to that.  What we want is a truly epic clusterfuck and, given recent reports on the unfinished condition of just about everything the Brazilians promised would be finished well before the start date, this year could truly be a champion disaster!  Oh, please, if there is a god of disasters, then let it be!


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