‘Facebook memories’ wanted me to remember the night this photo was taken. It’s a normal photo, of a normal woman, on a normal night. It was taken two years ago at Clement & Pekoe. I was co-hosting Create II, a street art exhibition which my partner (in chaos), Timi had worked very hard to put together. Meanwhile, I had been working with a web developer to have our Picture This Dublin website go live for that same night. The days and nights leading up to it were busy too, between designing promos and invites, and getting emails out for a bloggers walk we were hosting that weekend. This would have all been a very enjoyable process if it were not for the fact that I was on the verge of a breakdown.
I remember leaving my house that evening and crying at the bus stop. My boyfriend, Conor, waited with me and was doing his best to keep me together and get me on the bus. I tried to be as positive as I could when I arrived at Clement & Pekoe, but it was very obvious that my heart was not there. As the evening began and guests were arriving it was easier to cope. Familiar and friendly faces filled my view. I was able to forget about going back to the house; the house that was throwing me into a state of stress and confusion. Had it not been for the support of my boyfriend, who was going through a tough time too, and the support of my family, I would have truly believed I was losing my mind.
The photo represented the beginning of a long process, one which took well over a year, to learn how to trust again. The photo represented how confidence can be slowly hacked away, over the course of time, by a person capable of cruelty and cunning beyond comprehension. The photo represented someone who had felt she had lost control of her own life, and in a way to balance that loss controlled the food she put into her body. The photo represented silence because it can be difficult to reach out and confide in others; you don’t want to be a burden, so you just keep smiling. And so that’s what I did. The exhibition that night was a great success, the team did an excellent job and I was proud to have been even just a small part of it. But I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally burned out. I didn’t want to go ‘home’.
Two months after that night, my boyfriend and I moved house. And the cause of our stress did its best to try to follow us; did its best to hack away from afar, to try and spoil friendships and spread negativity. Luckily, most of those friends/acquaintances and, of course, my family stuck by me in my silence, and I tried to smile my way through it. When the cause of the stress was finally gone, I thought that everything would go back to normal. My boyfriend and I were doing well, we both had new jobs, a nice place to live and each other. But every morning I woke up, the darkness would wake up with me. It would ask me questions throughout the day. “How did I allow this to happen?” “Why do you hate me so much?” The darkness made me doubt myself, my friends, and every new person I met. “Who can I trust now?” My breakdown was nearly four years in the making and culminated in an explosion. There’s so much I cannot write because it’s too much.
When I finally began to speak, the darkness began to move away from me. I found light in the faces of the people that stuck with me. I began to trust again…though I never will fully. When the photo showed up on facebook today it all came back, but it is all but a ‘memory’ now. It’s just a normal photo, of a normal woman, on a normal night. This photo represents the good souls who were there for me when I couldn’t speak. This photo represents getting through it.
“Your life is your life, don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission” – Charles Bukowski.
I wrote this post for cathartic reasons, but I posted it publicly to add ‘my confession’ to the conversation of mental ill-health, and the broad scope and sheer numbers of individuals affected by it. The need to drastically change how society perceives mental illness is becoming more and more apparent. We need to move away from the one dimensional, black or white notion, which at its most basic, relies on ‘you either have it or you don’t‘, or that if you do have it you must look like the stereotypes portrayed by the media. Mental illness can affect anyone during their lifetime, from occasional to frequent, from mild to extreme, and it looks like you, or me.
Don’t let a bully take your light away…speak up and #MindYourHead
Check out First Fortnight, the annual mental health festival taking place each January: www.firstfortnight.ie/ It opens dialog about mental health, through creativity.
It’s good to talk: Samaritans phone 116123 or email [email protected]
