Dear Vlad,
So happy that things are going well for you in Syria although, be honest, skipping circles round the likes of Kerrry & Obama isn't too difficult, is it? However, that is not the reason for my letter today. No, no, I just wanted to congratulate you, sweetie, on coming out and admitting your preference for, er, 'the other side of the street', as we might say. Well, of course, you haven't exactly 'come out', more like some Russian scribbler (with a death wish, I assume!) has outed you. Yes, some chap called Stanislav Belkovsky has written a book and he reckons Mrs. Vlad gave you the 'Big E' because she spotted your preferences, and all that story about you having it off with a pretty young female gymnast was just a cover story put out by 'your people' to keep the lid on things. Anyway, strictly between you and me, darling, I will not be too surprised if in the very near future Mr. Belkovsky suffers with a really bad dose of death!
Of course, all your pets here at Duff & Nonsense are not at all surprised at the news; after all, Vlad, darling, all those photos of you stripped to the waist and holding a big weapon in your hand, ooops, sorry, I mean a big rifle, well, it reduced us to jelly here, I can tell you!
Anyway, the reason for this letter is to wonder if you would like to meet my chum Tom Daly. He's gorgeous and very athletic - he falls off diving boards for Britain at the Olympics. Anyway, he, too, has just come out and obviously he prefers the older man because his 'new best friend' is twice his age. And I think I can say without undue flattery that he doesn't look half the man you are - and he's not even holding a weapon, or at least, I don't think he is.
And anyway, I'm sure your old 'chumlets' in the KGB could, er, take care of Mr. Dustin Lance Black if necessary.
Anyway, hugs 'n' kisses from us all here at D&N,
Yours, etc,
