Where do you start? Where do you start when something you thought was so right, so built to last - something you put so much effort into - disappears so quickly.
I'll tell you where you start - you cry. You cry a lot. For the first few days at least. You can't eat, you don't dare sleep for the fear of waking up each morning and being hit with that wave of anxiety that won't seem to shift, and, despite the constant sickness in your stomach, the sinking feeling in your chest - you feel empty.How could this happen again, after all the efforts you'd gone to to resist the urge to go back there to begin with? After giving in to what seemingly felt like the realest thing in every sense of the word.The trouble is, after all the screaming, the tears, the anger, the wondering, the blame - those moments when all logic is lost and things are said that you don't mean - eventually you realize that it was partly your fault. When you've a tendency to hold onto the things you love so tightly, just incase, like they have done before - they slip away - before you know it, all the other things you know you care so much about doing, about achieving - take a back seat. They're not forgotten, they're still on your list, they just don't get mentioned as often as they should.This wouldn't always mean an ill fated ending, but when the person you're with struggles enough with having to deal with ensuring their own happiness on a day to day basis, the burden of thinking that your happiness is dependent upon them too, can be all too much to bear. The initial relief felt by them of not having to consider this anymore is only to be expected.The urge you have to convince them otherwise is overwhelming. You know in your heart that their interpretation isn't true, you want to tell them not to underestimate you like they did the last time - but what do words mean at a time like this? And worst of all, in a way, what they are saying does resonate - you have let things slip. You just didn't realize until now - when seemingly it would appear to be too late. No matter what though, you want them to know that one day soon you'll prove them wrong - you'll make sure of that. That they'll end up regretting it.Time spent keeping busy helps - seeing friends, talking it through, undertaking new projects, just plain getting away from it all - things you should've been doing more before all this happened anyway - but nothing stops the dull ache of knowing that you've lost your soulmate.It's hard to imagine a life without someone you've spent so long loving not being part of it - without all the things you talked about with such longing and enthusiasm together coming true. Especially when you know that for both of you - the same feelings are there and that they more than likely always will be. It's far easier to let go of something bad - something that was unhappy and that you know had no chance of flourishing. No relationship is easy, you have to expect bumps along the way, but to give up for fear of trying - fear of hurting someone - seems nonsensical, to me at least.You cannot force someone to love you, but equally, you cannot repress the feelings, the connection that exists. In love, a heart can never be stolen. It only goes where it wants to, and, I think throughout the years, some part of yours has always been with me. If you ever read this, all I am certain of is that my heart is yours. For you're the one who taught me how to open it and love with all I had. And there will never be another, like you.
