Am I worthy?
How do I know?
What I base my worth upon?
I began to ask myself these questions about my worth when I was about thirty five. I didn’t stop til I was about 38.
I used to base it upon what my ex-husband thought was good and acceptable. Even after I left him. And then, what my girlfriends considered important, or… my parents. Even as an adult, I based my worth upon these people in my life. I would think whatever anyone important to me thought was important, it was also important to me, as well.
But I was so wrong. I matured a bit, and found that my worth is based more upon things that God finds worthy. God gave me gifts , and one of the was the ability to trust my instincts. So…lately, it’s been my ability to discern . I had a very hard time trusting myself, when I was under the age of 37. Then , one day, that all shifted. and I decided to begin to prioritize myself . I made some decisions with my purpose and intentions in mind and I began to ask myself what I wanted.
One of the most fearful decisions in my life, was to move on. To not be in relationship with someone, who I truly cared for . The only issues I had with this, was that I had to decide how to love myself more than I loved him. I realized once I loved myself fully, ( I came to this revelation much later and longer after I had left him), that loving me felt really good, and relationships could not dictate my worth. I would not and could not control how someone accepts me; and I actually had to grieve this relationship, even if I was not ready for it to end . The other relationship… Was similar … I didn’t expect that one to end either , but I was confident it was time to end . I wasn’t grateful for these relationships to come to an end, yet they were purposed to do so.
I was so afraid to make a mistake when I decided something, I thought if I did, my whole life would disintegrate. I didn’t trust my own thinking. And so I began to look at the source of that, to determine where I lost the ability to think for me. I realized my fear– “frozen fear” discounted my worth. That I could not make decisions for myself unless I first realized I was worthy of those decisions. And that confident place of worth had to come from deep down, so I asked God where – had I neglected myself and why? And I began even to look at my family of origin and notice patterns of family neglect and I prayed very hard for those patterns to leave my life.
My relationships were central to my worth in my past, and the relationships that didn’t allow me the freedom to live and choose for myself –taught me I needed to make a few changes. Those changes taught me I needed to change a few things about my relationships in general. and I’d like to share here those lessons learned :
1. Don’t filter a bad relationship as a rejection of you as an individual. Don’t view it as a rejection. You should filter it through the guise of hearing someone else speak about the person you were in relationship, and what they saw in that person that was not healthy. Hopefully, you will be reminded of the truth and realize that you are better off believing the truth, rather than the lies.
2. Don’t force relationships to exist. If they aren’t going well , or end up abruptly and unexpectedly ending, receive it. Let it go. It may have a lesson of release in it, but you’ll never know what it was, or wasn’t , until you decide to fully release it.
2. Choices come to us every day. If we don’t let go , we stifle the growth. And sometimes growth needs to happen through the conduit of surrender. Without our resistance. And without our influence .
3. As you release… you will feel awful. Even in the grieving process … Accept. Grief comes as resolve when you are able to fully surrender. If you don’t surrender, you become stagnant and sometimes you;ll go back if you resist the release.
4. Be angry. Yell, scream release . Then yell… Scream .. & release again. Do this 20 or more times, until you feel less stifled. Even if you must have a silent scream Silent screams help too. I recently took a silent scream within, ( I just couldn’t get it out)… and then I walked in the cold air, breathed and took some of the most beautiful pics I’d ever taken before. Hmmm… (Maybe my silent scream turned into breathable breaths; because I found anther release.)
5. The worth . Oh yeah… The worth came once I moved into acceptance. Because I knew that the decisions I made were in a spirit of integrity; and I knew I was in full consideration, of everyone involved but me – i had to back track and ask myself – Do you deserve this? And most of my answers were a resounding YES. I completely let go… and I decided I didn’t want to carry their baggage around with me, any more .
Sometimes complex relationship ships can confuse you into believing that something is wrong with YOU. If the integrity factor weighs strong and you know you did what you did out of the goodness of your heart , and for the sake of being your best self. then you’re fine. If you experience oppression in your heart, feel weighted, or its way too painful , then you may need to process and heal from the experience ; with a healthy heart lending an ear and – listening to your struggle.
And one more thing… this is a wonderful time to RECEIVE. To just be around good, fun-lovin’ people, every chance you get. It balances off all the unhealthy stuff.
