Work, Worries and a Tough Time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby
Sad about nothing And everythingWhere to start?I started work last weekI am undecided as to how it is going All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently I feel like I could fall apart at any moment Crumble to dust and blow away with the windWork is a welcome distractionBut I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown Also My car has been giving me so much trouble It's been in and out of the garage And no joyI've thrown money at the problem which hasn't workedIt wouldn't start again today And it now sits over in the car hospital But I am doubtful she will pull through It might be time to cut my losses and change itIt's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable carAs well as that I've just been feeling pretty lowLike my life is going no where I called over to Coco today After not seeing him for a few days and I swear he was pissed off at meHe was pushy to the point of being aggressive It was like he didn't know me at allQuite upsetting But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guessBut his owner is being a right difficult person to deal withI really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle That I am a soft touchAnd people can take advantage of meI really need to learn to assert myself As it's no fun being a door matAnd then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely So I am trying to remain calm and collected It's not easy let me tell you 
For the last couple of months I've been really struggling with horse riding I've been getting really tired and really out of breath Which makes it not very enjoyable So I told my doctor Who did blood testsThe results came back that I had low iron Low vitamin B12And low Folic acidAnaemia in other words So I've been taking supplements and tonics Today I went horse riding And I was like a different girl I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me I thoroughly enjoyed it And didn't want it to end She didn't let me jump again today As she wants to take things slow Which is probably sensible But on the way back I was in the car with Fintan And I couldn't hold back the tears Even though I had a great lessonI just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessnessLike my life was crumbling around meI spoke to mother who was great as always She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be okI WillBe OkI know I will beBut right now I am feeling lowand I have to acknowledge thatOf course my appetite is being affected by all this stress But I am doing my best to stay well in that department And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about nowHe honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for meI do like it But I worry about what people think of meMy co workers My manager The guestsThere is a 16 year old working there tooAnd she was given a tip yesterdayRight in front of me Which really knocked my confidenceI've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive Too delicate and fragile for the real worldI bruise so easily And can't help but feel like the class dunce My manager asked me how I was getting on so far I told her the truth She said I had no reason to worry That I was a breath of fresh airThat helped But only temporarily My confidence My self esteemMy egoHas taken a few knocks recently And I don't know whether to plow ahead with work and ignore the issue Or leave and concentrate on getting well againI feel tired I feel run down and knocked over by lifeI just want to get in to bed and stay there forever
As well as all of that I don't know if I write about it But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron DiseaseAs you know My parents are separated And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes awayHe stays with us a good bit But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanentlySo they can adapt the house for himIt looks like he is going to move in here Which brings up a lotMy parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage They split up almost twenty years agoAnd we all moved here We left our home town for a fresh start And to put some distance between ourselves and himNow we are going to be living together againAnd let me tell youIt's. it easy My Dad is becoming very frailHe lives in his own little world Almost like he's regressed to being a child againSo this is a big changeA massive challengeWe are coping by taking each day as it comesThat's all we can do
But yesI feel very lowAnd would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroinOr even a cigaretteSomething to just get out of my own headAnd have a bit of peaceBut lookI will be okI'm not ok right now But I will beSo many things have run through my head this weekI can go from zero to suicidal at top speed My life is not hard compared to some people But I have come through a lotand sometimes I feel so tired of life So weary Like I've lived ten lives already But what can I do only keep going Keep putting one foot in front of the otherAnd keep fightingAs my Mam said I've weathered bigger storms than this I'm made of strong stuffI will be ok...