Today started out so promising, but as the day wore on my withdrawals got worse. Now I’m just a pile of nerves looking for various things to do while I wait for the pain to go away or at least keep my mind off of the constant shivers, muscle spasms, odd tingly feeling, fever aches, nausea and just plain old despair. Whatever you do don’t go on Subutex (and if you do don’t stay on for very long, I’ve been on it for over two years and my body is a slave to it now) , although it helped me immensely, the withdrawals are a bitch. I’m not going to quit as it has kept me away from opiates and I’m afraid that once I go off I’ll go right back to using (and this is true, the subutex is the only thing keeping me from using oxy and heroin, there are times I just want to quit the subutex and go right back to using, but I have to catch myself and remember how bad it got which can be hard due to the opiates becoming a psychological crutch for me when dealing with society. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn’t deal with other people unless I was high, even today I really struggle with this), unfortunately I ran out a few days ago and I’m now in a living hell-maybe this is exactly what I wanted deep down, I tend to do things like this to myself, constantly sabotaging my progress, constantly putting myself through painful situations hoping that one day I crack. And when that happens the lights would truly go out. I just hope that day never comes.
Well that is all for now, I apologize for the short post, but I wanted to get on here and update everyone especially where I stated I’m going to write 30 days straight. I really want to make that goal as it would help greatly with my self-esteem and maybe prove to myself that I can accomplish whatever I want.
Thanks for the previous comments I will be continuing the story tomorrow, hopefully, as long as my mind is somewhat stable.
I hope you are all doing well,
Dave.
