With Every Grief, Joy Repays

I saw Mary this morning
On my way in I met a girl
I used to work for her and her husband
I haven't seen this girl in years but I've run in to her 3 times in the last 2 weeks
I don't like it when I see her
When I worked for her and her husband I was incredibly ill
I used to purge in the staff bathroom
And do totally crazy things like take 2 euros from the till
2 euros
I have no idea why
So when I see her all these memories come flooding back
The guilt is overwhelming
2 euros
This girl and her husband were incredibly kind to me over the years I worked for them
They came to see me in hospital
Invited me to their kids birthdays
So when I got as far as Mary I was a mess
The words tumbled out of me
Mary let me speak and then calmly said
'Stop
Take a deep breath'
I tried to get a hold of myself
She weighed me which was unexpected as she doesn't usually weigh me twice a week
Down another half kilo from Tuesday
The days of getting a high from losing are long gone
Now I  just feel sad
She explained that I am at the BMI where she can no longer see me
That she should really refer me back to my psychiatrist
But she says she doesn't want to do that
She says she knows I can do this
She told me a story about a little girl
She spoke as if the story was about someone else but at the end she said 'I know this story is true because that little girl was me'
I won't share the story with you
I'm sure you understand why
When she finished speaking I burst in to tears
Big fat, salty, tears
She immediately apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me
But I wasn't upset about the story
It was actually a really hopeful story
I was totally disarmed that she had  shared something so personal with me
And she did because she thought it would help me
My father asked me last week if Mary ever gets frustrated with me
The short answer is no
Never
Not once
She is passionate about her work
Determined to help
But frustrated?
No
I came out of the session  feeling really emotional
I think I realised for the first time that someone really believes I can get well
Sees me beyond my ED
Is bending the rules to help me
I've seen umpteen counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is definitely the exception rather than the rule
I came out emotional but also hopeful
Mary seems so convinced that recovery is possible for me
And she is an expert in her field
She sat with me for an hour and a half this morning and gently helped me write out goals for the week
Usually I write these goals and I have no intention of meeting or even trying to meet them
But today I took some time to write ones that are realistic
Before I saw Mary today, I had been planning to buy enemas
But when I came out I found that I didn't want them anymore
I'm not saying that I've had this amazing epiphany or any thing like it
I suppose I'm feeling more open to change
More open to doing the right thing
Weight loss is not making me happy
I read a blog yesterday and the bloggers UGW is the weight I am now
She probably thinks that she would gladly change places with me
But the truth is I would give my left arm for the life she has
She has a husband
Kids
A home
A life
A purpose
Reaching her UGW is not going to make her happier
All it means is that she now takes up less space
Nothing more
I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs
I can honestly say that I was the happiest when I was closer to 130lbs
Sometimes I think to myself 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover'
But the truth is that I might not have another year
I may have another round of my ED in me
But I do not have another recovery in me
I've been this way for 12 years
And recent events have proved that health problems do happen
I can't live this way and expect to get away with it
My body is hurting
Every time I stand up I have to grab the wall as I get so dizzy and my legs wobble
My energy is no existent
Everything is fuzzy
My mood is definitely effected
Everything is effected
It's killing me slowly
So I have a lot of work to do this week
Mary suggested that I get Ensures or Fortisips
I would rather not
I'll try eating more first and see how I go
I didn't buy binge food today
I'm going to try and eat 3 small meals
Also I'm going to start to improve my environment
My room for starters
I never open the curtains in my room so I'm going to now
I'm going to clean out my wardrobe
I have a shit ton of clothes
My weight changes so often that I keep clothes in every size known to woman
I need to get rid of my 'anorexic clothes'
That will be hard but it has to be done
Today I feel a sliver of hope
I feel like maybe all is not lost
That it's not too late
I'm afraid
I'm terrified that I'll fall flat on my face
But how will I know if I don't try
I want to be the Ruby I used to be
I liked her
This monster of an ED has almost crushed me
Almost broken my spirit
Almost but not quite
Today I feel grateful
For Mary and the impact that she has had on my life
Her words are ringing ears
'With every grief, joy repays'