When the Going Gets Tough.....

It was yesterdayI felt good My peace of mind was intactI had no worriesNothing on my mindIn the evening My friend picked me upAnd we headed to a meetingWe chatted and laughed on the wayAnd arrived at the meeting slightly lateIt was an AA meetingOne my sister usually attendsAlthough she wasn't there last nightWe walked in to the room It was packedWe grabbed seats where we couldAnd the meeting started
The was a girl telling her story It was really good listening to herI could identify a lotThe the meeting proper started I didn't like the way it was runThe chair person picked people at random to shareSo you never knew when your name was going to be calledIt sent my anxiety in to over driveI didn't like it
All of a suddenMy name was calledMy heart was thumping in my chestI wanted to just run out of the roomI began to speakI could hear the shake in my voiceI was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatmentAnd the family daysHow I been on both sides of the family dayBoth the patientAnd the family member And how hard that wasBut I think when I was speaking it came out arsewaysAnd once I had finished speaking I realize that people may have thought I was talking about my sisterWhen in actual fact I had my dad in mindAnd this was my sisters home groupSo everyone knew her well there
One by one everyone spokeA girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetingsThat she had a brother in recoveryAnd was very close to himI started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at meAnd started to feel really uncomfortableAgain I just wanted to run
The meeting finished up And cups of tea were madeThere were a good few women at the meeting And we all gathered to have a chatIn my eyesEveryone seemed so confident and togetherThey all seemed perfectly content in themselvesI on the other handFelt so out of placeSo awkwardI froze I couldn't speakI couldn't join in the conversationI just sat thereLike the socially inept person that I am
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyesThat old familiar feeling of not fitting in was backIt hit me like a smack in the faceAnd completely threw meI started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts
These people don't like meThey don't like what I shared They'll probably all talk about me when I'm goneThey think I'm a bad personThey hate me
And this went on and on in a loop in my headWe finally left the meeting at 10pmI was dying to get home My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my houseI laughed about how I am a social retardBut then as she pulled in to my drive wayI suddenly felt really sadAnd the tears cameMy friend was greatShe promised me that things would get betterAnd that she was there for me I pulled myself togetherBut I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke againI hugged my friend And she left
I got in to my house Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogsThey never cease to make me feel betterI went on to the living roomMy sister was watching The IslandI sat downAnd feel apartHot fat tears fell from my eyesLanding on my lapMy sister jumped up to hug meI told her what had happened She told me that I was being paranoidThat everyone loves meI cried some moreAnd she sat and soothed meShe wrapped me in a blanketAnd made me cups of sweet teaI began to feel a little better
But as I lay in bed that nightI replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again Fighting with myselfTelling myself to shut upAnd generally driving myself completely nuts It got to the point where I really though I was going madIt was exhaustingI go to meetings to feel betterAnd here I wasA complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help meI felt so confused The urge to use was massiveI kept thinkingOne phone call And I could have sweet oblivionNumbnessNothingnessI wanted it so badKnowing my two using friends were close by was so temptingBut for some reasonI didn't ring themAnd I didn't useI kind of figured it would just make everything worseEven if it did temporarily ease my pain
And even more worrying than usingI actually had some very strong suicidal thoughtsThe though they I could end my pain was comfortingAnd the idea of disappearing seemed very attractiveI wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me I actually planned it in my headBut againI came to the conclusion that that wasn't an optionIt might be the end of my painBut it would open up a world of hurt for my familyI can't do that to them
So I considered my other options?I could continue onKeep going to meetings Hang in there Keep plugging away at recoveryAnd hopefully my anxiety will lessenAnd my confidence will growHopefully So I made a deal with myselfI will give recovery a fair shot for 6 monthsAnd if nothing improvesI can always go back to the drugThe drug will always be thereMy recovery might not be
So that's what I'm going to doAlso I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next whileI just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thingSo I'm not going to
I guess this is all part of recoveryBut it really sucks!I just want to be well now!I want to be confident now!I want to be anxiety free now!But these things take timeAnd I know I need to actively work on them But flippin' heckI am losing the will to live over hereLiterally 
I'm just really tired Tired of fightingTired of this uphill battleI just hope the view at the top is worth it.....