Athletics Magazine

When A Small Butt Is A Bad Thing

By Brisdon @shutuprun

For starters, I know you do not believe me, but that was not a video of me in the grocery store (I first saw this on Tosh.O last week).  Watch at your own risk. I simply cannot get the moving image out of my mind. Who does that? Not even me, and I do a lot of things most people don’t.

Yesterday was a Monday in every sense of the word.

Monday Thing #1: I woke up to a gross mess from Lucky all over the dining room (much like what that girl did in the video).

Monday Thing #2: I pumped up my bike tire so I could take a little spin and it exploded, much like last week. WTF. I mean, really. I was only at 70 PSI and I’m supposed to go 90-110. Ken figured out my actual tire had a tear in it, so hopefully replacing the tire will cure this exploding problem. I went for a swim instead. There were hairballs.

Monday Thing #3: I could not for the life of me find my phone and after calling it repeatedly from my home phone, I retraced my steps…I was in my car…I was throwing stuff away…I went to the outside trash…do I hear ringing? Yes, there it was. Gross. Yes, we had pizza last week.


Monday Thing #4: I went to get measured to be a Fit Model with Pearl Izumi. Basically that would mean I would be a mannequin for them to try their clothes on to make sure they fit the true size standards. It would not mean I would be a clothing model in a magazine. Maybe in my next lifetime when I have a different face and body.

I was so excited even driving up to this Mecca.

When A Small Butt Is A Bad Thing

I would love to work at this place for lots of reasons - everyone in the parking lot had bike racks on their cars, you probably get free stuff, I like being around people who like to be fit, and maybe they could tell me why my bike tire keeps exploding.

I got measured to see if I “fit” the perfect size small for Pearl clothing. Chest – perfectly small (itty bitty titty and all that). Waist – right on. Butt/hips – too wimpy. I did not make the cut because my ass is too small. I tried to tell them I would eat more cheese puffs and work on building ass muscle, but they sent me on my way. That’s what I get for having a skinny running ass.  I knew I should have gotten those butt cheek implants last night. Goal: build up the ass.

Monday Thing #5: My last stop was even worse than the DMV – the social security office. I lost my SS card and needed a replacement. If you want to get depressed kind of fast, go to this place.

And, lastly, in matters that make you go huh? Look at this ad for my Pure Cadences at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Tell me what is interesting about this picture:



Let’s try an experiment. Let’s reframe the things that happened yesterday because no one likes a Debbie Downer or a Beth Bitcher. Let’s make some lemonade!:

  • Lucky crapped all over the floor. At least it was not on my pillow. At least he is still alive.
  • There were hairballs in the pool. At least they were not pubic hairballs. Or so I think.
  • I spent hours looking for my phone. At least cell phone technology exists at all. I mean, it would have sucked to spend hours looking for a rotary telephone or a string with Dixie cups at both ends. Plus, now my phone smells like pepperoni pizza and everyone loves that.
  • I got rejected as a Fit Model for Pearl Izumi. At least I was not rejected because I pooped on the floor of a grocery store.
  • I had to spend time at the state social security office. At least it was not the state penitentiary.

Any Monday-ish things happen to you lately? Tell me how you made lemons into lemonade. It’s fun!!

Major kudos to the bad asses who shut up and ran and finished the Boston Marathon yesterday in extreme heat! I know it wasn’t easy, but that’s what mental toughness is about!


PS: FYI – My only point about the shoe picture  is that, unless I am wrong, it seems Brooks is marketing the shoe to minimize the heel strike and Dick’s seems to have missed that. I’m not trying to get into a debate about whether the shoe “fixes” a heel strike or if heel striking is evil.

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