What Now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right nowI feel like this blog is not what it wasA blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating Don't get me wrong I still struggle with these issuesBut they are not urgent matters in the way they used to beBy 'normal' persons standardsI am still very much an addictAnd still very much eating disorderedThey don't feel as urgent any moreMy life isn't in dangerMy mental health isn't in the risky category any moreAnd my physical health has improved drasticallyLife as I know it is a lot betterHeck I've even had my very own boy dramaAfter years of being single 
I didn't actually realize how low I was until I began to feel better My body was so sickBarely able to get through the dayMy mind was also sickDepression and anxiety were constantThere were many times when I thought that I was going crazyI truly believed that along with the weightI was losing my mindAnd that terrified meI had spent all my life running from myselfAnd trying to escape realityBut the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and realityWas enough to scare me in to getting well
For the longest timeI really didn't care if I lived or diedI had no shit to giveI courted deathI welcomed itI would describe it as having a passive death wishMy mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with lifeAnd perversely Knowing I can end my life at any timeGives me the strength and courage to keep going
A lot of the timeI feel like I am holding on for my familyThat I am staying clean and sober and healthy for themThey say you should get well for yourselfBut if I did it that wayI would never recoverI find it easier to do it for others And I can't lieI miss drugsI miss them a lotBut I don't miss all the crap that goes with themOr the misery that I caused my familyMaybe recovering for others is not ideaBut it's the best I can do right now
I would love to go back to meetingsI know it would help me so muchOn a practical levelA spiritual levelAnd for the social aspectFor some reason I am afraid to go backThere are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimateSo maybe I could start with those 
I've taken the first steps with my recoveryI have re gained some weightDealt with my depression and anxietyI am more independent nowMore and more I do my own thingAnd I feel strong and ableNow I guess it's time to take the next stepBut what is the next step for me?I'm really not sure Even with this blogI am not sure what direction it is goingI feel confused about where I am going
I guess I need to make a few decisionsI need to take control of my lifeDecide what I want to doWhether that be recovering or notAt least then I won't feel so all over the placeI want to want to recoverI want to want to liveI know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morningReasons to liveRaison d'êtreBecause right now I am drifting Floating I have no focusNo directionAnd I desperately need that
It's like I want bothTo have my cake and eat itI want to take drugsBut I want a stable lifeI want to be thinBut I don't want the negative consequencesUnfortunately life doesn't work that wayBeing a greedy addictI want it allBut that is an impossibility 
I still struggle massively with body imageAnd accepting my weightI have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it  I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirrorOr when my clothes feel a little tightMy body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidenceAnd it shouldn't beIt shouldn't matter what I weighAs long as I am healthy and happyBut at the moment it does matterMy weight can make or break my dayIt both terrifies me and thrills meI hate that it still has so much control over meBut it does It really does
 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal withMy life is fineI have a loving familyTwo amazing dogsA small but close group of friendsI have a roof over my headClothes on my backGood in my fridge I have no major bills to payFinancially I am stable My physical and mental health are improving all the timeBut yetI feel so empty So dissatisfied Like something is missingI feel like I am constantly wishing my life away Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet I find reality boringMonotonousTediousI crave dramaAnd loveAnd passion Extremes of feelingsI crave adventure Highs and lowsI hate this constant and even feeling of life
I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needsI always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicalsBut there must be other waysThere must be
I think I need to take a leap of faithTo try some new activities To free fall in to my own lifeWhat's the worst that could happen right?
I was wondering about youHave you ever felt this way?How did you cope?Get through this?Any thoughts are much appreciated