That was up until this week
I haven't been weighing myself but I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me
OK so it is not a massive amount but it's enough to make me feel like a beached whale
Even though logically I know I am still underweight
Even though all my clothes are small sizes
Even though I feel like crap a lot of the time
I still feel huge
That's one of the most cruel things about this illness
We never get enjoy the thing we crave the most because we never believe that we are thin enough
I am at the weight now that I wanted to be a few months ago
But as soon as I reached it suddenly it was too much and it was on to the next target
And the next
And the next..........
It's never ending
It's a moving target
The weight gain is changing things here in eating disorder land
I have a huge urge to restrict
A huge urge to lose this weight and more
At the moment I can't see beyond my ED
I can't see past it
I have no interest in anything
Food occupies my every thought
And I'm struggling to take my meds properly
I'm overusing them again
It's the only relief I get from the constant negative thoughts
I'm not sure where to go from here
I cancelled 2 appointments with Mary already
I just can't see the point of going any more
When I am with her I nod and agree and commit to changing
But once I am out the door it all disappears
Today I have desire to get well
Maybe that will change tomorrow but for now it is what it is
I know I'm probably feel this way because of the gain
I know it's a knee jerk reaction
I know that I will get over it
Eventually
I was wondering about you
How have you dealt with weight gain?
Does it get easier?
I would love to know
