Weight

My shape is changing and I'm gaining weight
Even though everyone around me says that I'm not
I know that I am
I know it takes a while for the weight to show as usually it goes straight to my tummy and takes a while to distribute around my body
My new shape is unfamiliar
I haven't been this weight in a long time
My weight has really yo-yoed over the years
While I using drugs from about 1999-2006 my weight was always very low for obvious reasons
But also all this time I had been eating disordered and I didn't know

July 2004 in the middle of a detox in London

Then I got clean and weight stabilized for a while
But it wasn't long before my anorexia spun out of control
As shown here

Avignon  2007 84lbs

Then in 2008 I was put on a high dose of olanzapine
I began to gain weight
And reached an all time high weight of 135lbs
I know it doesn't sound like a massively high number but I have a small frame and any extra weight really shows
As demonstrated here

Croatia 2010, 135lbs

January 2009

I was extremely uncomfortable at this weight
It just didn't suit me
I felt awkward and cumbersome and just didn't feel like myself
I'm not sure why or when it happened but I began to lose weight again
I remember putting on this white cardigan and it felt looser
I weighed myself for the first time on months and I had lost almost a stone
I wasn't trying to lose weight
It just happened
Cue another anorexia relapse
As seen here

Barcelona 2011 90lbs

Then in 2012 when I started seeing Mary I regained weight to a low but healthy BMI
I think to around 50kilos
I was ok at this weight
I didn't feel too uncomfortable
As shown here

June 2012

2012 - 2013 was a good yearMy mood was mostly goodMy weight was stableI traveled to Australia for ChristmasI spoke at an eating disorder conference in February 2013Everything was far from perfect but I was doing okBut then in March I was hospitalized with pancreatitisI was sick for quite a while and began to lose weight again

Summer 2013 90lbs

2013 was a tough yearIn October I went in to treatmentIt didn't workI continued to purge and restrict and left hospital weighing even less than when I went in

February 2014, 90lbs

I think  I began to gain weight at the end of March this yearIt's a frustrating place to beI'm not severely underweightBut I am not at a healthy weight eitherIt's limbo
There are very few photos of myself taken over the years that I likeBut I did find a couple

This one I like because I look happy, 2005

I think I look healthy here, Australia 2006

So that's the history of my weightThe ups and downsThe highs and lowsThe fat and the skinnyHope you enjoyed........