Community Magazine

Weighing It up

By Rubytuesday
Now that I am weighing againI'm back in the vicious circle Of weigh PanicCry RestrictBinge PurgeWeigh....I'm literally going around in circlesMy homework from Mary two weeks agoWas to keep a food diaryI have not done it onceI've not even taken out the sheetsLike the veritable ostrichI have been burying my head in the sandAnd pretending that everything is okI really take issue with having to fill in a food diaryYou see I am a seriel snackerI don't really eat set mealsI graze the whole day longSo I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of foodPlus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten
I actually consider myself very lucky Given the amount of junk food I eatBy all rights I should be obeseIt's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every dayAnd 1-2 family bags of crispsSeriouslyI stick up on the stuffBuy it in bulkMy local shops know I eat a lot of itAnd always have a plentiful supplyI crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroinI tell no lieI'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each dayBut I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult femaleSo yes To all intents and purposes I should be a lot biggerGiven all the crisp I eat So even though my weight is higher than is ideally likeI am grateful that it's not any higher
In other newsI haven't been to a meeting in a weekI'm struggling to go at allAll I want to do is sleepAnd be on the nodIt's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?I don't knowI don't know what I am doing anymoreI thought I was doing wellAnd I was I amKind of Sort ofMost of the time There is a saying in AA that they practice spiritual progressionNot spiritual perfectionI like that sayingIt makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the bookBecause if you are like me Then texovery is full of setbacks And hurdlesAnd bumps in the road As you all know well I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you allBecause I hope it will help someone out there To call their addiction or their ED outTo tell on them Because our secrets keep us sickAnd I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery
As you all know wellI don't hold back when it comes to writing hereI may even share too much But my honesty keeps me accountableAnd responsibleAnd I know I am only as sick as my secrets So I try not to keep anyAnd I urge you to tell your secrets also Tell them to someoneWrite them downConfess them to a priestTell a friend Or a family memberDon't let them fester in your headOr they will get the better of youThey will keep you sickToday I will share a secret with you When I was away last weekend I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shopOnly I was so afraid of being caught againI would have done itIn a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviourAnd it makes me think twice when I get that urge again
So today I urge you to break your silenceAnd tell on your secrets Even if you don't want to leave your nameYou can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret hereI promise you to get it off your chest will be such a reliefJust to tell someone To share it with another personWill stop that secret from taking your peace of mindI've shared mineWill you share yours?

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