Wednesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual todayAs I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointmentI walked the dogsMade dinnerAnd generally pottered around until it was time to goI arrived at the building And parked in the tiny car park in the backThere was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right thenI continued in to the buildingWhich used to be a family homeBut the health board have taken it overSo the waiting room is actually the kitchenI took a seatThere were a few people already in thereI figured I was in for a wait So I took a magazineAnd settled in a chairIt was very busy A constant stream of people in and outI was hoping to see my doctor himselfAnd not one of his teamBecause he knows meSo I was glad when he popped his head around the cornerAnd called me in to a little room
I don't think I mentionedThat I spoke to Mary yesterday And asked if I could see her She said that was no problem I just had to say it to my psychiatrist He started off by saying That Mary had emailed himWhich I was glad of That's Mary all overSo reliable and dependable So my psych had an idea of what was happening for meHe asked about weight lossMy mood My sleepI told him that I am enduring lifeRather than enjoying itHe said that it sounds like I am depressedAnd might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)I told him about the navy trousers incidentAnd wanting to lose a few poundsBut then couldn't stopHe said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother meI have clothes in every size under the sunSo one pair of trousers fitting Is not usually a big dealAnd thinking about it My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months Even in Turkey I was not in great formAnd my mother confirmed this 
Meds were considered He said that my Prozac could be increasedBut he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary So that's an optionHopefully I will get to see Mary next weekAnd she will be able to help me out things rightBecause my purging is spinning out of controlAnd am now purging 5-10 times a dayIt's no wonder I am feeling so badMy BMI is now 18Not clinically anorectic But nevertheless less It's still heading in the wrong directionAnd because I've lost the weight so quicklyMy body is suffering
So Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed I meanThat's kind of obvious But againI haven't been myself And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone Until someone else points it out
Before I finish I just want to thank you all for your continued supportI know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls But as everYou have been there And that means more than you know Thank you