I smashed my scales to bits the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight
And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing
Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body' so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight
When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)
And if there is one thing that I have learned over the yearsIs that thin does not make me happyI have been every sizeFrom zero to twelveAnd I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all themSo at the momentI am going by how my clothes fitAnd they fit just fineSo let's go with that
AnywayOn to another matterOutdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last postAnd said I had helped her reach out and ask for helpShe write about how after so long she is ready to accept helpI was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasonsFirst I am so happy that she asked for helpThat is the first and most vital helpI think is ED girls don't like to tell others about our strugglesWe are ashamedWe feel guiltyWe feel we are a burden if we ask for help In fact it's quite the oppositeIt takes s lot of courage to ask for helpThose three wordsPlease help meAre so difficult to sayBut if we can find the strength to say themThe relief is immenseSo well done OJI am so proud of you
SecondIt warms my heartAnd fills me with joyTo know that my blog is helping othersSometimes I am writingAnd I'm wondering if anyone is readingOr if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internetSo to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone elseWhether it is to ask for helpOr that that person can relate and doesn't feel so aloneThat blows my mind
As you knowMy writing policy has ways been to be open and honestBrutally honestI know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailingThat everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recoveryAnd maybe it is that way for some peopleIt's not for me My recovery had been tumultuous to say the leastSo many ups and downsHighs and lowsIt's a rollercoasterAs my sponsor used to say to meHang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride
No more than lifeRecovery is not a smooth runLife is toughIt's hard goingIt can be frustratingSadOverwhelmingBoringInfuriatingFunThe whole gamut of emotionsRecovery is the sameMy aim writing this blogHas always been to help myselfTo connect with othersAnd hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating So to know that is happening is truly wonderfulI know I say it a lotBut this community never ceases to amaze meHow we help and support each otherIt's unique and so very specialI will continue to writeI will continue to fight against this cruel illness The illness that wants us deadThe illness that steals the best years of our livesThat wants to control our bodies and mindsThat wants to isolate us from those that love usThe illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothinIt is so important that we keep puttingOne foot in front of the other and keep goingThat we fight every day for a better lifeIt's so important that we don't lose our will to liveThat we keep hopingAnd believing that there is hope after our EDsBecause there isI am just starting to see thatI am getting a glimpse of what my life could beAnd that is so wonderfulSo please Don't ever give upKeep your head upDon't listen to your ED that whispers in your earIt's liesIt's all horse shit
As they say in AAWe alone can do itBut we can not do it alone
