Way Back When....

As you know by nowMonday is doctor day for meIt's good reallyAs it gives my day some structure And keeps me accountable where drug use is concerned And I always enjoy the little chat with my doctorWhich most of the time is not about medical issuesThis morning he was unusually late So it was 10am by the time I got to the chemistAs I was a sitting waiting to see my doctorI saw a woman I thought I recognised She was walking away from me So I didn't see her clearly But then I saw her in the chemist She was sitting down I caught her eye And she smiled Did she recognize me too?I'm not quite sure I walked the length of the shopTrying to figure out where I knew her fromShe had a kind faceBut looked so very sadAnd you just wanted to give her a big hugAnd tell her it will be okThen it hit me I knew I knew her from somewhere She was a patient in the same psychiatric  hospital that I was in back in 2007
2007 was a really bad year I was dabbling in buying prescription benzodiazepines And I hit an all time low weight I was in poor physical health But had no idea how dire my predicament wasI was working How, I managed to hold down a job I do not know I was running off of fumes I  was 25 
I was feeling so bad back thenThat one day my mother insisted I go in to casualty I didn't have the strength to objectSo I agreed I have vague memories of a drip being fittedVarious medical staff trying to talk meBut I was just a shell of a personTheir words bounced off me without any impact I was eventually moved to a ward A private room in fact I remember asking for sleeping tablets And more sleeping tablets Which they gave meI was in a state of semi consciousnessAnd thoroughly enjoyed itI was mainly left to my own devicesDidn't eat a thingThey didn't seem to know what to do with meOr how to deal with meI was discharged a week laterOnly to be admitted again soon after
This time was different There seemed to be a plan in place I later heard that days before I arrivedA young girl died from anorexia So they took my case very seriously I had done as assessment for a treatment centre So I was trying to hold ground until a place came upI remember being taken to a wardI was weighed I then heard a nurse gasp and say I was 34 kilosIt meant nothing to meI was beyond caring about my weightThere was just nothing going on behind my eyes I was dead inside 
I was moved to another wardA health care worker sat with me 24 hours a day I saw the psych teamThe dietician The social worker I was in an observation wardAnd was escorted to the bathroom But even so I managed to purge To hide food Slip my Ensures in to the binIt's amazing how devious a person can be when they put their mind to it 
I remember the student nurses They were lovely They sat and spoke to meEncouraged meYet I felt that staff were wary of meThat they didn't know quite how to handle meThey wouldn't let me walk anywhere I had to sit in a wheel chair to go for smokes I had no idea that I was so ill and underweight And wondered what all the fuss was about One of my tricks was to use the bathroom downstairs to purge When family members brought me down there One day a student nurse followed me inAnd interrupted me mid purgeI was mortified Back up on the ward I saw the same nurse wiping away tears But I had no idea why I had upset herIt's only now Years later That I can see how that incident could have upset her 
A week later And a place in treatment still hadn't come upThey were discussing the fact that I was on methadone And whether they could accommodate thatSo it was decided that I would be moved to the local psychiatric hospitalI was terrified at the prospect I pictured films like One flew over the cuckoos nestAnd Girl interrupted But the general hospital wouldn't keep meAnd my family wanted me to stay safe until a place in treatment came upLife in the general hospital was fine I spent my days resting Spending time with family Reading and writing I was content to be there As I was still managing to engage in behavioursI was weighed every second dayI gained a minute amount in the couple of weeks I was there 
This post has become longer than plannedAnd I haven't even written about the last I saw today yetSo I will split this post in to twoAnd take up where I left off tomorrowTo be continued....