Community Magazine

Walking the Walk?

By Rubytuesday
After some thought I decided to delete my last post
I didn't feel right after I posted it
I felt like I had given away too much information
I thought that because I was trying to recover that I shouldn't keep any secrets to myself
And my weight was a big secret
But now I can see that I don't have to share every little bit of information
Weight is a very personal thing
Even people with out EDs don't go around broadcasting their weight
Not sharing my weight is not feeding in to my ED
It's taking care of myself
Some kind commenters pointed out that taking photos of weight and posing in the same clothes is feeding in to my ED
It's looking back and not  forwards
You are so right
I guess because my weight is a big issue for me at the moment
I kind of got caught up in what I look like
And it really wasn't fair of me to ask you to compare those photos either
I think that has always been a problem for me
Sharing too much
I am an open person
But I forget that maybe everyone isn't
And maybe some people are uncomfortable with that level of honesty
I don't even know if I can say that I'm in recovery
I still purge
I'm very mindful of my weight
It's hard to know if I am in recovery or if I just wish I was
I talk the talk alright
But do I walk the walk?
I talk about feeling better
Improved mood
Wanting to live
But am I living?
Or do I still have one foot in my ED?
I was at my mindfulness class last night
The guy who gives the class really is inspiring
He talks a lot about how life is so short
How we need to live in the now
Instead of ruminating about  the past
Or projecting in to the future
I forget that we have a finite time on this earth
This isn't a dress rehearsal
We get one shot at this thing we call life
So we better make it count
And a life dedicated to anorexia or bulimia or addiction is not a lived
It's a life wasted
I wonder if I am fooling myself that I am in recovery
Do I think that I am better than I actually am?
I guess I thought that when I regained weight that everything would magically fall in to place
But weight re gain is only one small if essential part of recovery
The real work happens in our minds and thoughts
I've been at a place where I've been weight restored but still had an anorectic mind set
It's a truly horrid place to be
I don't want to be there again
I want to not care about the numbers
I want to like my own body
I want to look in the mirror and not want to smash it
I just want to be free of this thing once and for all
I feel like I am in a very strange place at the moment
Some where between my ED and recovery
It's time to pick one once and for all
Here's where I need your help
How do you know when you are in recovery?
How can you tell that you are not in an ED frame of mind?
I really need to know as I can't tell right now
I feel so confused at the moment

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