Valium is Not My Friend

Every time I take Valium I have a nice little sleep then wake up feeling all my worries crashing through my thoughts. I'm a child, then I'm a monster. Every fucking time.
Before I woke from the secret realm of sleep this morning, I was having a nightmare about crocodiles and dark water. Hot and panicked, I tried to go back to sleep but the remnants of fear pulled my reality over my face and smothered me. I was picking fights with Mr C. and before he realised that I wasn't going to shut up and allow him to sleep, I was soliloquising on self-pity and the anxious paranoia that occupies my every moment. The poor guy just wanted to enjoy his benzo-haze. He calmed me down - I worked myself up - he calmed me down. Shower, spliff, sorted - kinda.
It's a sunny morning, the chill's bearable; I'm going to live today in this order: toast, smoke, walk, get tampons, walk some more, pick up, walk to the beach, smoke, go to my happy place, write. Tonight is jam night, aka. playtime for punks. I'll be filming them, as requested, while laughing at/with them and singing along in whispers. I'm looking forward to hearing the song Mr C.'s been writing, in his head, for the last few days; the lyrics incorporate the catchphrases of a well-despised, British, trash-TV presenter. He's clever, my man, with words and music and drawing and sculpting, among other wonderful things. He's my great love. Fuck you; I'm romantic.
I can't stop crying. I look into my eyes in the mirror and tell her, that snivelling red-faced wretch, that she is disgusting, pathetic, worthless. And she is. I am. I look at my body and it disgusts me. My body's beautiful because it's a human body - soft skin forms smooth curves over fat, muscle, bone et al - but it's horrific because it belongs to me. It is infected with my thoughts, my nightmares, my experiences. It's been raped, it's diseased, it's been hurt in anger, fucked without love, scarred, peppered with old scars and picking-patches, it's been hit, kicked, spanked and whipped and it's hell-bent on destroying itself. Rheumatoid arthritis is a ridiculous disease. What the fuck is it trying to achieve? Am I supposed to be learning something from it? I've learnt a lot, I'll forgo the rest, just get out of my body, I've got nothing to give you.
L x
Note to self:
Valerie will never be my friend if I abuse her every time we meet.