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Christmas day came and went
Just like any other day
I made an effort to be a normal human being
I attended mass with my mother in the morning
I watched the local Christmas swim with my Dad and dogs
I helped out with the cooking
I made Eton mess for dessert
I resisted taking my meds until dinner was over
Bulimia was an unwelcome guest though
She managed to worm her way in and tried her damdest to ruin my day
Today I am trying to get back on track
Although my mood has dipped quite a lot
The next few days will be hard
I have a family wedding
Many lunches, dinners, drinks to follow in the next few days
If I thought about it too much I think I would crumble
Since coming home my mood has been good
Too good
I had almost convinced myself that things were going well
But now that I look back I can see I was slowly slipping over the last 2 weeks
My ED subtly creeping back in
Then yesterday I came down with a bang
It was like I was holding on for Christmas and then when it was over I plummeted back down earth
My weight had been dropping
But yesterday it went up
Albeit a very small amount but it still went up
I'm sure most people would be delighted to gain so little over the holidays
But here in ED-Land normal rules do not apply
I'm wondering if that it is why my mood dropped so much
It's always been intrinsically linked to my weight
I hate that
I hate that those little red numbers on my scale have such power over me
It makes me wonder how the hell I am going to allow myself to gain when I go back in to treatment
Imelda from the programme is ringing me on Monday
I'm half hoping she won't
I'm half hoping that everyone will forget all about it and I can continue on my journey in to oblivion
Sometimes I read blogs and I think to myself 'That poor girl, my heart breaks for her'
I get angry at how much some people have to suffer
I have to remind myself that I am one of those people
I am sick
I am unwell
I am struggling
I need help
It's not my job to save everyone else
I need to save myself
I've been thinking a lot about this blog
I've decided to keep writing for the moment but I won't be reading other blogs or commenting as much
Taking in everyone's struggles is just too much at the moment
I can just about deal with my own
Take care x