Community Magazine

Unfollowed

By Rubytuesday
I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I haveBut I've noticed in the past weekI've been unfollowed three times And I am wondering why that isI know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of monthsI know people were disappointed when I relapsedI've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments I don't know if the two are connectedAnd also the tone of my blog has changed recentlyAnd is much more recovery orientated I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an EDMaybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together And that's okI would rather have ten people read about my recoveryThan 100 people read about my relapse
I guess it hurts a little bitIt's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any moreI know on the last couple of weeks I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships And my real lifeAnd less time to my blogging lifeI try to blog everyday stillBut I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friendsAs I had really neglected them
I was talking with my addiction counselor Breda on MondayWe were talking about the topic of friendshipShe was asking me about my friendsI told her that I have a few close friendsNot manyBut the ones I have are real and honest and loyalThe rest are acquaintances Who I pass the time of day withBut no more than thatKnow that I am back attending meetingsMy social circle is expanding But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends withI would much rather have a few good friends Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 
As you know I have two older sistersAnd that is awesome As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter whatApart from thatI guess Marie would be my best friendThen I have my good friend from treatmentMy ex sponsorAnd a couple of others who I see regularly
I tend to be quite a shy personUntil I get to know youThen I show you who I really amBut I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other peopleI always assume that people don't like meI mean I don't like myself very muchSo why would others like me?Over the last couple of weeksI've been meeting a lot of people at meetingsAnd people who I used to knowI've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly And that surprised me a littleI guess I thought that no one would have missed meAnd not even noticed that I had leftBut they didAnd that is surprising to me
In the midst of my addiction and EDI pulled away from all of my friendsSo I am only really starting to see people againAnd to want to see peopleNot hide away from the worldAs it turns outI am quite a sociable personI love to chatAnd laughAnd really get on with someoneBut sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of meAnd I clam upAnd can't talk at allI hate when that happensAs I think people can think I am standoffish or cold It's not that at all It's that I am paralysed by fear
At the meeting yesterday I read a reading about people pleasingThe writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please othersI could relate to this so muchI am a confirmed people pleaserI want people to like meSo I do everything I can to make that happenEven if it hurts meEven if it doesn't suit meEven if though it feels wrongI put others needs before my ownIt's not a nice way to live your lifeThey say in order to recoverYou have to be a bit selfishI now know what this means You know when you are on a planeAnd they are doing the safety demoThey always say to put your own oxygen mask onBefore you put others onI get this nowWe are no use to anyone If we are not well ourselvesIt makes perfect sense reallySo I will go my best to do thisIt will be a new and scary experienceBut it's all part of my recoveryIt's simple But it's not easy
I was wondering about youDo you have many friends?Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?What do you think makes a good friend?I'd love to know......

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