Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas And it being a bank holidayI was at the doctors today Instead of yesterdayThe surgery was unusually quietI took a seat And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards meI actually smelled him before I saw himWhich is a terrible thing to say But it's the truthThis man would be considered by many as the town fruit loopAnd resident weirdo I don't see him this wayAnd see nothing but a very mentally unwell personA person who drank and drugged too much in their youthA lonely man A very sad manHe spotted me straight awayAnd made a bee line for me The smell off of him was pungent Stale alcoholThe scent of not having washed in weeksI have to admitI don't particularly like meeting this man As he can be very inappropriate He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food So needless to say I am wary of himHe came over when he saw me Sat down beside me And said I looked well Which I don't But anyway He took out a little bagWhen I saw it I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the yearHe asked if I had a penI fished in to my bag and found oneJust at that moment my name was called by my doctorI told the man the keep the penAnd followed my doctor in to his room 
Before I had even sat down He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading He sat back in his chAir as he spoke As though he was in his element After a few minutesHe changed the subject And asked how Christmas had goneI told him it was lovely and low keyHe asked about my eating issues I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regardAnd I hope to see Mary in the new yearHe also asked if I was purging muchI said I wasA bit But in truth It's spinning out of control againWhen I got home from hospital two weeks agoI was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle My eating My purging The food I choose to eat As well as generally looking after myself But Old habits die hard as they sayAnd I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change My health has never been a priority I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die And I felt that way for a very long timeNow I want to live I doBut again The habits of a lifetimeAnd the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to changeMy doctor wrote my scriptAnd I left wishing him a happy new year 
I can't lie I feel I am heading head first for a relapse I am now on the cusp of being underweightThe prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies meBut the thing is Even though I know where I am headedAnd I know how this story ends I am finding it incredibly difficult to stopThe numbers are going down at an alarming rateI've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeksI worry about thatI don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare againAnd even in weight terms I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23At the moment I look pale and wanWeight loss is always really visible in my faceI'm just hoping I can get some topUp sessions with Mary I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year So I'm hoping to get some extra support there So yes I am struggling at the moment It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slipThe navy trousers that didn't fitMy being hospitalised againI always lose weight when I am unwellAnd I guess that's not unusualIt's just really hard to bounce back from that
It's tough though I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment I think at times like this We need to stick together Look out for one anotherSupport each other Sometimes we are all each other hasI feel your painI really do I know what it's like to feel afraid Alone even though you are surrounded by people I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives Not just of the sufferer But of everyone around themThe thing about EDsIs that the one person who can decide to get wellIs the one person who doesn't want to get well I know from being on both sides of mental illnessThat being a carer or a supporter is not easy It's frustrating beyond belief And it's hard workSister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depressionIt's so hard to see her like this She's withdrawnVery quiet Spends a lot of time in her roomShe started taking her meds againSo we are hoping that will helpBut the next few days are going to be busy here And I know she will find that hardWe are all just trying to be there for her Make sure she is warm and comfortable Giving her spaceBut also plenty of hugs The thing is That we as her family Feel so helpless There is little we can do to ease her suffering Yes we can be there But we can't take her depression away Just like my family can't take my illness away 
But as everWe will persevere Keep fighting the good fightAnd keep hoping and believing in a better life What is the alternative?Lie down and give up?No That is just not an optionWe as a family have been through too much to give up now That's just not our style 
2016 is just around the corner I'm hoping it will be a good one What are your hopes for 2016?