Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morningWe had a good chatI told her about the eating and purging spinning out of controlCalm as everShe asked me about my mealsAnd what I am eating of a dayBreakfast is fineI have tea and toast And sit at the kitchen tableI have no problem doing thisAnd even though it's only a relatively recent thing It has become my new normal Lunch and dinner are more of a problemAs I tend to graze throughout the dayRather than eating fixed mealsDinner I eat at the table tooBut it rarely stays down And then I'm back to square one againI really need to do a proper meal planKnow what I'm having to eat that dayHave the correct ingredients ready to goAnd then do something afterwardsTo distract myself from purgingThis is all great in theory But in practise Well let's just say it's not easyMary said she believes in meThat I can do this And her belief makes me believe 
Mary also told me about something excitingOne of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals Specifically horsesIt turns out That a former social worker who now runs a stablesIs looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there I was super excited to hear this It's right up my street So Mary is going to get the woman's number And I can contact her myself You guys This sounds perfect for meAnd if the job doesn't work outI can see myself doing thisHorses are a lot like dogs I think Very in tune with peopleAnd have the ability to heal Since Mary told me about itI can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do thisIt has my name written on it!Fingers crossed this works out
And of course If I am going to be working Whether in the job or with animals I need to keep my strength upEat properlyAnd look after myself I meanI am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of foodIt will also give my day structure and routineAs well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidenceI just really hope that one f these opportunities works outI would be glad of eitherOr even both I think volunteering Or working Will also provide me with a feel good factorOne job is helping the elderly The other is helping animals Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boostI just can't wait to get started!But at the same timeI don't want to get my hopes up too highJust in case they don't turn outAnd that's why I need a plan C and a plan DSo I have something to fall back onAnd have all bases covered 
In other news I'm managing to hold steady with my weightAnd haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeksIt always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs But noIt's always the faceAnd I end up looking like a gaunt little old ladyI spoke with Mary this morningAnd the aim is to gain half a kilo a weekWhich is doable I thinkMy target weight in hospital was 54kgAnd that seems to be the weight that is my set point And where I feel most comfortable I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman And when I had a bit more weight on meI was actually beginning to like itBut really and truly It's not about weight at allIt's just a symptom of a greater problemIt's a side effect of the illnessAnd I know I don't look well My cheeks are sunken Dark circles under my eyes And a pale pallor There is nothing pretty about that There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a dayThis life is nothing to aspire toIt's a dead end And once you fall down the rabbit holeIt is nigh on impossible to get out 
But In saying all this I still feel positive And hopefulI am luckyI have my family and MaryPeople who believe in me until I can believe in myself Because if it wasn't for themI would have fallen apart long agoI don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life I don't take them for granted And every day I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life When someone holds your hands so tightly Looks you dead in the eyesAnd tells you with such convictionThat you will be okIt's hard to argue with that So todayI say the very same thing to youInstead of holding you And speaking to youI type these words With all the strength and conviction I can muster That you Yes youYou will be alright You will get through this And you will come out the other side stronger than ever This I promise youSo please I ask you To keep holding on Keep hanging in there Keep putting one foot in front of the otherAnd keep going I will if you will Pinkie promise.....?