Tuesday 12 January

January is a tough monthIt's darkIt's coldIt's so very hard to get up of a morningIt's getting so cold that we are expecting snow Now I happen to love snowBut only if I don't have to go out in itLying in bed this morningThe wind howlingThe rain pelting off the window It feels like the end of the world it's so noisyTrying to get up out of a warm cosy bed is sheer tortureThe dogs woke me up this morningLea began barking at about 8amI always get up when I hear LeaAs she only ever barks when she has to peeSo I jumped out of bed Ran to the kitchen In to the utility roomWhere Lea was waiting patiently at the back door I let her out And promptly ran back down to bedWhere I allowed myself another 15 glorious minutes 
So far In this post I am doing a sterling job at writing about anything other than how I am struggling at the moment I am struggling And it's nothing to do with the time of yearOr the cold Or the darkness I feel like I am dragging myself through life at the momentMy days are punctuated with eating and purging I can't say I am bingeing As the amounts of food I am eating are typical portionsBut It's still too much Any amount is too much It has nothing to do with weight anymore I could be 5 stone or 50 stoneIt doesn't matter anymore My head is well and truly wrecked I get up Walk the dogs Take my meds BlogZone in and out in front of the TV for a while All the while eating and purging And weighing a ridiculous amount tooMy mood yo-Yoing as my weight fluctuates 
I spoke to my Mam last nightAbout the possibility of going back in to treatment I don't know if it's a knee jerk reactionOr just an overwhelming need to do something about my situationI am probably thinking prematurely I mean I have just started seeing Mary againI should give that a chance first And anyway By my own admissionTreatment and that environment never really worked for me From home It's easy to slip in to the thinking That if I go to treatmentThey will make me better But of course it's not like that You have to do the work You have to make you better And for me It seems that I do better from homeSo that is plan AI can think about treatment when and if I need to 
I think my psychiatrist is right thoughMy mood has dipped in to a depressionDeath doesn't scare meLife scares me more The last time I saw Breda She that I was 'too young and too talented' to sit at home wasting my life awayBut the thing is And as I am getting older Anxiety about the smallest thing is swallowing me wholeMy writers group started last night I couldn't even peel myself off the couch Never mind get out the front doorNow it's the next morning And I am so sorry that I didn't go I told myself that I need to focus on my health first And I do But I also need to break this pattern of anxiety And running away from life I am hoping that seeing Mary will helpAnd possibly an increase of my meds It was when I was put on Prozac almost two years ago that I was able to pull myself out of the binge purge cycle It really helped I Am now on 40mgAnd the professionals talked about increasing it to 80mgWhich I am not opposed to Whatever works right?
I know sooner or later I am going to have to take a leap of faith where recovery is concernedEither take a chance on living my life Or stay in my illnessWhere yes It's safe It's comfortable But I know I am missing out on so so muchFriends Social events EducationJobs Hobbies BoyfriendsDating Travelling Life!I am just so afraid And it's keeping me paralysed Stuck in this house This roomThis illness And the older I get The harder it is to do all these things Before I know itIt's going to be too late 
Anyway I'm hoping with the help of the professionals I can turn this around And turn this relapse from a negative thingIn to a positive learning experience Even though it may seem like itI'm not giving upNot one little bit I'll fight until the bitter end Right now I am just tired I feel like part of me is crumbling under the weight of all this stress I am lucky though I have an amazingly strong family around Who are my back bone My Mum is endlessly patient And kindWhen I get upset And feel like all is lost She is the one who dries my tearsAnd helps put the pieces of my life back together She always tells me with such convictionThat I will get better I will be all right She is so convincing That I can't help but believe her
So The plan is To engage with Mary, Breda, my doctor, my psychiatrist Eat little and often Purging as little as I can manage Take it easy Rest Spend time with my dogs and family Meet with good friends Don't beat myself up Don't be hard on myself Focus on the positive The good things in my life Build myself up physically And mentally Allow myself to eat the things I want to eat Listen to my bodyAnd give it what it needs Don't isolate Surround myself with good and positive people Who will help me through this In short Just keep putting one foot in front of the other And keep going As I always say Baby steps all the wayAs baby steps add up to be great strides