Trying to Bounce Back

OkSo I am struggling to snap out of diet modeIn just that short space of timeI got used to not eating junk foodAnd not eating after my evening mealThen of course standing on the scale every morning is addictiveEspecially when the numbers are going downYou see the thing is My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember I know a bit about nutritionBut I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eatingBecause I eat what I want When I want There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat I graze instead of eating fixed meals Although I do have a dinner every eveningBut that doesn't always stay down So yesI have a lot of work to do Because some where over the last couple of weeks I have slipped in to ED modeWithout even realising itDare I say it I am enjoying the feeling of being empty The dizziness when I stand upThe way my clothes feel looserThe false feeling of being in controlAll this is making it difficult to get back on track
I am not underweight at allBut as I always say EDs have little to do with weightYou could be bang on a healthy weightBut be tortured inside your headYou may not be over weight or under weightBut still be caught in the midst of mental illness For me It's about my state of mind And my behavioursAnd I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 
They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drugOr your ED behaviours For me It started a few weeks agoWhen I weighed myself for the first time in a long time And then the infamous navy jeans I really don't want to go back to being underweight and illI really don't But once your on the run away train that is an ED It becomes really hard to get off
The thing is I may have another relapse in meBut I don't know if I have another recovery in meThe energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more But I should be able to do this Stop myself falling down the rabbit holeI've caught this early And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 
Following on from your commentsAnd something that Eve wroteI am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise Or failing thatReally researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind AgainI don't want to be underweight But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skinMy BMI now is 21And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy I have put my body through a lot over the years Really used and abused itI want to try and be a lot kinder to itMore gentle Because God knows for years I put it through hell Starving it Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a dayInjecting drugs in to itAnd generally treating it like a dust bin
At the moment I am having a battle in my headOver what to eatWhen to eat How much to it It's absolute tortureI'm going around and around in my headFighting with myself Then feeling guilty when I do itThis is all very ED I knowIt's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our livesBefore you know it You are knee deep in behavioursSomething that I am really missing is Mary She was always so helpful and practicalAnd just talking it over with someone really helps I guess I could call her Even just for a quick phone chatI also have my friend from treatment who I can speak toAnd will hopefully see her in the next weekShe is always great to talk to tooAs she is fighting the same battle that I am
So I guess I just keep on keeping onKeep writing Keep talking Keep eating Keep remembering how far I've comeAnd that I don't want to go back to that vain existence Keep trying to live my life the best way I can Keep being accountable Honest About my strugglesAs well as my triumphs Keep connecting with others in the same position as me Keep my supportsMy family Who are my biggest cheer leadersMy friends I don't have many But the ones I do have are precious mMy dogs Who continue the be the light of my life I'm not giving upI'm not backing down Anorexia and bulimia I hope you are ready for warBecause I'm not backing down without a fight Bring it on bitch....