Trigger Warning - Weight Loss

I can't quite put my finger on when it happened
But I know it happened very suddenly
I didn't notice it at first
It was subtle
Hard to detect
I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I finally got sick of eating white chocolate
I was eating an awful lot of it
5 family size bars a day
It was my heroin for a time
So sweet and creamy
It took me away to another place
Just me
My cup of tea
And 8 squares of chocolate
I've always had a funny thing with numbers and food
For example if I was going to have a biscuit
I would pick a number in my head
It could be 2
Or three and a half
Or four and a quarter
Whatever number felt right
And no other number would do
It was the same with chocolate
It had to be a precise number
It just had to be
That was the rule
And we all know how an ED girl loves her rules
Anyway
So yes
I had been eating a lot of chocolate
And then wondering why my weight was going up
Even my sister commented on my chocolate intake on a number of occasions
But I literally couldn't stop eating it
It was like a drug
But I guess I ate too much of it
Because all of a sudden I didn't crave it any more
Just like flicking a switch
My cravings went
Around this time I went to spend the weekend with my uncle
He had a weighing scales in his living room
One morning
While everyone else was in bed
I stepped on the scales
Just to torment myself
I saw a number that I have never seen before
In my mind I was over weight
The shock of this
Coupled with not eating chocolate
Resulted in my weight starting to head south
I began to weigh myself more regularly
I noticed little losses
Soon I was weighing myself every day
Waking up in the morning, I looked forward to weighing myself
It focused my mind
Gave me something to aim for
To work towards
I had a certain number in my head
That I want to get to
Then I will stop, I told myself
Then I will stop
It's now been about 4 weeks
And I've lost a stone
It's not terribly noticeable to be to be honest
But my Mum and sister have commented on it
My Mum saying that my face looks thinner
But I guess I can feel it in my clothes
They are looser
Roomier
God forgive me for enjoying that
The thing I keep telling myself is
That I am still a healthy weight
Just about
So there is no danger
But I know this illness
I know when I get to my goal
The goal post shifts again
There is no end point with anorexia
It's never enough
Am I worried?
If I am honest
Yes
A little
I had been doing so well
Am I really going to throw that all away?
I don't know is the answer
Why is it so easy to point out what others should be doing?
But when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it
If I was my friends or my sister
I would be pleading with them to stop
But I know it has to come from the person themselves
No one can do it for me
I'm losing a pound every 2 days
But I'm not just losing weight
I'm losing my mind
My recovery
My family
My self worth
Self esteem
My confidence
My hope and faith
My belief that I will be ok
My determination to get well
My drive to overcome this illness
And my will to live
I'm sorry
I know I had given so many of you hope that recovery was possible
I don't know what is happening to me
I'm sorry