Toughing It Out...

The last few days have been toughAfter hearing about the suicide of my friend I almost fell apartI was at work when I found out So I couldn't very well crumble thenBut on Sunday nightI had a dream about my friend He was exactly the way I remember himYoung CarefreeCheeky I woke up in the morning in tearsCue a whole day of feeling so sad and emotionalI had my doctor at 9amAnd the minute I sat down in his office The tears continued to flowMy doctor was so kind to me He let me cry Gave me as much time as I needed to collect myself The thing about suicide Is that it leaves so many unanswered questions And what ifs?What if I had been a better friend?What if we had never broke up?What if I had made more of an effort?But as my doctor said A person could seem fine one minute Then go home and overdose Or hang themselves You just never know what is going through a persons head On Sunday I went to mass at the holy well with my parents I prayed for my friend And lit a candle for himSaying goodbye in my own way I just hope he is at peace now Finally 
I've had no work since Saturday As it's been very quietBut I'm back in tomorrow And will be working all weekend To be honest I've missed work I miss the structure The routine The escape The people I'm glad to get back to it And of course the paycheque at the end of the week is always welcome 
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday Or at least one of his team She was lovely A Polish lady So friendly and enthusiastic She told me that she had been reading my file And that I am doing really wellShe seemed genuinely pleased for me I spoke a bit about my friend As he has been on my mind so very much She was so kind too I must say I feelSo grateful for the people I have in my life A lot of the time I feel like I am being carried along by them My feet not touching the ground at all I am surrounded by amazing people My family My friends May horse riding At work And especially the friends I've made recently Now I can say that I truly know the meaning of friendship I've let go of people who were dragging me down Using meI now know that I am worth so much more I deserve to be treated wellJust like anyone else I won't set myself on fire To keep someone else warmAnd God knows I've done enough of that over the years 
Today I am just back from horse riding It was fantastic as always I got a lift out with Fintan And it was just the two of us today I like when it's just the two of us As we are in a similar place riding wise And today Eilish really pushed us And got very technicalI loved it though I love the challenge I'm so eager to learn and improve And just be the best that I can We did a good bit of cantering Which is such a rush!I swear I am so envious of Eilish and her family The have this brilliant facility in their back garden They can ride when ever they want I would give anything to have that available to me An hour a week just isn't enough anymore So I asked Eilish if come autumn I could go out for half a day a weekAnd maybe get two lessons instead of one Fintan would also love to do this Eilish said to leave it with her So hopefully that will happen for us It would just make more sense all round I travel an hour to get to riding So to spend more time there would really benefit meI finish work in September So it would be great to have that To look forward to
In other newsMy Dad is deteriorating quite a bit And we are all very concerned about himWe worry that he is not managing at home alone Basic every day things like dressing, cooking and shopping my are becoming increasingly difficult fir himThe nurse specialist is visiting him today And in fairness The support he is getting is fantastic He is being well looked after It's very hard as we need endless patience to deal with himI guess it's an adjustment for us allAnd it will take time 
But yes Even though I am feeling a bit raw and emotional I am ok Or at least I will beI like to think of my friend as I knew him And I do have a lot of fond memories That's what I'm going to hold on toIt seems everyone has a past Something they are dealing with No one is immune No one gets off Scott freeWe all have across to bear ED wise I am doing ok I have no clue what I weigh It doesn't really matter I guess As long as my clothes fit And I feel healthy and wellThat's all that really matters Yes I still purge from time to time But recovery is about progression not perfectionI'm doing the best I canI'm eating I'm not restricting in any way I'm not compensating with exercise or laxatives Yes I still struggle with body image And struggle not see myself body in a negative light I have to accept I'm not 19 anymore I am a 34 year old woman I have boobs and hips I'm curvy I have a shape Some days I love it Other days I hate it But I'm healthy and happy No matter what I weigh I would take this over anorexia or bulimia any day of the week
So That's it from me for today I'm off for a cuppa And to spend some time with my dogs See you on the next post....