Community Magazine

Tough Session

By Rubytuesday
I saw Mary yesterdayI wasn't expecting itBut it was a really tough sessionWith all the elements for a good dramaAnger TearsTragedy Comedy I feel like I ran the gamut of emotionsAll in the space of the hour
First things first Mary wanted to weigh meI had no objection to this As I had weighed that morningAnd knew what my weight wasI didn't look at the number as I stood on the scaleFor some reason Seeing the number is harder that hearing itI put my shoes back onShe asked me what I thought my weight wasI gave her a numberThen she told me And flippin' NorahIt was two kilos heavier than my scale at homeCue complete meltdown 
I just wanted to run out of the room At first I felt angerAnger at myself for being so effected by the numberAnger at Mary's scales And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales She continued to speak to meAsking me why I put so much weight on what I weighI barely heard of what she was sayingCouldn't even look her in the eyeI remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last weekAnd that could be muscle, faeces or fluidI know that But it doesn't make it any easier
Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with herAbout the benefits of having an EDAnd the negativesBy now I had my head in my handsAnd tears were stinging my eyesI couldn't write the listIt was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out
Earlier on in the sessionI had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sisterHow I'm always interested in her weightAnd sometimes ask her to try on my clothes So I can see the difference in what we weightThis is very eating disordered I knowAnd I need to stop doing itMary challenged me on this And I was starting to feel attackedAlthough looking back I wasn't attackedShe was asking difficult questions Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recoverI said to Mary 'I think I should go'But she continued to speak to meNow trying to make me see sense 
I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed When knowing the number had such a negative impact She said that it's important to know my set pointAnd to have at least an idea what I weighI don't agree But I see her point 
I was now starting to feel a little betterThe initial shock of hearing the number was wearing offMary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years timeI listed ten things From being clean and sober To having my own place From recovering from my EDTo being in a relationshipMary then asked me to number them in order of importanceWhich I did
'RubyIf you want to get wellAnd not care about weight or shapeThese are the things you should concentrate onDon't compare yourself to othersDon't body checkDon't weigh obsessively These are the things that matter to you really And if you do achieve themThen you will be happy'
I've heard it a million and one timesThat happiness works from the inside outNot the outside inBut for some reasonHearing Mary say those words It suddenly clicked with meI'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight Because it's losing gameA game I can never winBecause my ED is never satisfiedNever
It's the same with my buying clothes all the timeI buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothingAnd I amFor five minutes it fills the hole in my soulBut after the novelty has worn offI'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainersIt's like a drugOnce you get and use the drugYou feel massive reliefBut it doesn't last And so its on to the next fix
Hearing Mary say these words todayLooking at that list And feeling so raw and emotionalI suddenly had the revelation that noI will never get wellOr be happy If I continue the way I am going With my foodWith my meds With my constant need to shop for clothesThey are all just symptoms of a greater problemAnd that problem is that I don't like meThat I am not worthy unless I am skinnyThat I can only deal with life when I pop a pillThat me RubyA 33 year old womanCan not handle life on life's termsI'm looking for happiness in all the wrong placesLooking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the painBut in reality they only postpone itAnd it comes back two fold Again and again
We were coming to the end of our sessionMary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've hadShe is not wrongThis is all stuff I don't want to look atNever mind deal with it But I must if I am going to get well
Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelationI finally saw for the first timeThat happiness does not come in a pillIt's not a clothes sizeOr a number on a scaleHappiness comes from the insideFinding self worthSelf confidenceAnd self esteemIn knowing that I am ok just the way I amThat I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfectionI have come through drug addictionAlcoholismAnorexia and bulimia I'm lucky to have even made it this farWhat I look like is irrelevantI'm just glad to be still standing 
I don't know why this has never registered with me beforeThat in order to live a happy lifeI need to do the things I loveSurround myself with people I love And reach for the goals I've set myselfI guess I am a slow learnerAs this is only beginning to dawn on meBetter late than never I guess
Even though it was a really tough sessionIt ended wellShe asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next weekAnd I thanked her for putting up with meThis is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their livesA lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdownAnd was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutesIn short Mary was well able for meAnd she does it all in a kind wayI left the session feeling a little betterA bit clearer about what I need to doSo I marched out in to the big bad world My list of goals in one hand My car key in the otherReady to do battle with this bitchOnce and for all.....

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