Torn

I still haven't gone to a meeting since Wednesday Although my head has settled down someI still feel a bit all over the placeI've talked it over with many people One of them being my sister who is also in recoveryIt was great to talk to herAs she has a touch of paranoia tooShe advised me to keep going to meetingsAnd I willI just need a break for a couple of days
I'm not naive I know the worldAnd meetings don't revolve around meI know that most people are busy thinking about themselvesAnd aren't plotting against me But I still can't shake these feelings I getMaybe I am hyper sensitiveI don't know All I know is that I can't live like thisI don't want to live like this
After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eatingMy confidence has been knocked out of meAnd my self esteem is non existentI am struggling to find them againTo find myselfMy self hatred is having a party right nowAnd all the usual suspects are invitedDepressionAnxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred partySelf loathingFearOh yesThey are partying hard
I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit inThat I am different to othersUnlikeableUnlovableAwkward Anti socialIt's a horrible feelingAnd my thoughts always go straight to ending it allI feel like I am a bad personThat everything I touch turns to shitThat I hurt people Even though I don't meanIt still happens
I need to sort my head out ProntoI need to get back on trackAnd go to my meetings Despite who does or doesn't like meThis is my recoveryI need to be well for me and my familyI have my friendsI don't need to please everyoneOr kill myself trying to do soI need to do what is right for me
I try to be a good personI really doBut lately I can't seem to do anything rightI wish I could just switch off for a couple of dayMy head really can't handle this