Tomorrow

My assessment is tomorrow
I am beyond anxious
I will travel to Dublin tomorrow morning with my Dad and my assessment is at half two
Walking back in to that hospital will be so difficult
Seeing old faces
Memories flooding back
Seeing the corridors I walked down
The rooms I sat in
The places I went to cry
The grounds I walked every day
It will be so strange
Technically it is a psychiatric hospital but it is a lovely place
It doesn't really have a hospital feel
It has beautiful grounds
A huge coffee shop where everyone else meets
2 restaurants
And the ward where I will be is quite nice too
The ED patients stay on this ward but these are also other patients on the ward too
I like that because it means that there is always other people to talk to
When you first go in you are put in a double room near to the nurses station sharing with someone else
But as you get settled you are moved to the corridor to a room of your own
And the rooms are lovely
They are big so it's like having your own little apartment with your own bathroom and you can bring in anything you like to make it cosy
So much happened during my last 3 admissions
The first time I was there I was with another girl when she got the call that her family had been murdered
I still remember her howling
People harm themselves
Try to kill themselves
Some succeed
But I also have some find memories of being in there
I met the most amazing people
It's strange
I have never felt so comfortable in my won skin as I did when I was in that hospital
Strange but true
I have to admit I feel embarrassed walking in tomorrow at this weight
Although I have no ides what my weight is I feel huge
I'm afraid that I will laughed out of there
And being weighed tomorrow will be pretty traumatic
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about what I weigh
It's about my behaviours
And my behaviours are off the freakin' wall
It is not yet lunch time and I have already been to the shops to buy (shoplift) binge food
My Dad came down this morning and he told me that I am out of control
And I am
I can't stop binging and purging
I literally can't stop
It is driving me insane
The never ending march from the kitchen to the bathroom
I have a path worn
I asked my father if being like this is similar to when I was using and which was worse
He couldn't answer
He said that they are similar but also different
It's obvious that he finds it really difficult to witness my behaviour
Have you ever seen the Dr Phil show called 'The worst anorexic and bulimic you will ever see'?
It aired a few years ago
It followed Amy's story
Amy was 28 at the time
She had a very serious ED and purged up to 150 times a day
She weighed 60lbs
As I watched it I thought to myself 'That girl is way worse than me'
But as I continued to watch I couldn't deny the similarities between us
She couldn't stop binging and purging and neither can I
Yes she may weigh less than me but the behaviours are the same
At one point it showed Amy talking about the contents of her fridge
She took out a huge jar of pickles and said that they are her most favorite food
I am a pickle addict
I love the sour taste and I drink the vinegar
Any also said that she is a 'huge condiment fan'
Me too
I cover my food in salt and pepper and sauce or gravy
Can't eat food without it
Mary tells me that I crave these condiments because I want my food to have as much flavor as possible
That's true I think
I have to confess that I took a double dose of my meds today
I just can't handle the anxiety and anticipation
I just want tomorrow to be over
I want it to be done
I can't think beyond tomorrow
If they say that I can come in straight away I will cross that bridge when I come it
I'll be as honest as I can
Tell the truth about he horror of my life
There's no point in hiding it anymore
No point at all
Anyway I'm off to have a little nap
Wish me luck for tomorrow
I'm going to need it......