I swear I blinked and a whole year went by
It's been an eventful year to say the least
I was doing well at the start of the year
My BMI was almost in the healthy range
I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis in March
That was when I started to lose weight again
I wasn't intentionally trying to lose
But the pancreatitis took such a toll on my body, it was hard not to
I organized a family holiday in the summer
And of course I went in to hospital for treatment at the end of October
Then discharged just over a week ago
Since coming home I have been trying to hold on to the changes I made in hospital
I'm trying to keep to structured meal times
Eating at the table rather than on my own
I am managing to do this but my portions are not as big
I was determined not to start weighing myself at home but curiosity got the better of me during the week and I pulled out my dusty old scale that I had shoved in to a corner of my bedroom
I stripped and tentatively stepped on to it
Curling my toes as I always do
I had lost
Enough to delight my ED
Enough to worry the rational part of me
Even knowing everything I know about my ED
Even knowing that losing weight will not make a difference in my life
Even knowing that losing weight will only make it more difficult when I go back in to hospital
Even knowing all this
I still can't stop
I've been in quite good form mood wise since coming home
I guess because it's Christmas it's a novelty to be home
I'm sure reality will set in soon enough though
I rand Imelda in the hospital today
I hope to be back in by January 2nd
All going to plan
I mentioned on my last post that I'm not sure where to go with this blog
I started writing this blog just over a year ago
I had been reading blogs for a while
I was desperately lonely
I had pushed all my friends away
I was a virtual recluse
Instantly I found a whole community of people that were just like me
In the beginning my blog was bordering on unhealthy
Some may even have called it pro ana
But what my blog is really about is spreading the truth of what it is like to live with anorexia, bulimia and addiction
Writing this blog gave a purpose
A raison d'etre
I have met some of the most amazing people here on blogger
And I have grown to become fond of all you
But I have to honest
In the last couple of months I have been wondering how healthy this blog is for me
Yes, there are some positives to writing this blog
But there are also negatives
My ED is all consuming
It's all I think about
All I talk about
And now I was writing about it too
I think in order to recover I need to find interests outside of food and weight
I need things to fill the hole that the ED will leave
Since coming home from hospital I have only glanced at a few blogs
And some of those were all about losing weight
It makes me so sad to think of all the girls here killing themselves trying to lose weight
It breaks my heart
I have to keep reminding myself that I am one of those girls
I am unwell
I need help and I need to help myself first
They say with addiction you only have to change one thing to get well
Everything
I think that is true for EDs also
In order to recover we need to change our whole lives
I am only starting to see that now
And I have to ask myself the question 'Is this blog helping me or hindering me?'
At the moment I'm not quite sure
I think that I need to find a life outside of blogger
I need to reconnect with my real life friends
It's a sad truth that my virtual life is more active than my real life
Don't get me wrong I love to be in contact with all of you
But words on a screen are not the same as a hug
It's not the same as a cuppa and a chat
I need those things in my life
I need start living
I was wondering about you
Do you find that writing your blog helps you or hinders you?
Do you ever find that it is an unhealthy influence in your life?
