Community Magazine

Thursday 21 January

By Rubytuesday
I saw Mary this afternoonI didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been havingSo I was really looking forward to seeing her this week I followed her up the stairs to the officeAnd settled in my usual seatThe first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself I told her that I don't think my scales is working As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the roomSo I knew what was coming nextShe gently asked me if I minded being weighed I didn't So I removed my coat and boots And tentatively stepped on to the scales I looked at the number Which is out of character for meBut I was really curious to know what my weight was We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapyIt wasn't a shock I know my weight has been dropping And I really get no joy out of that Maybe at one point in my life The numbers mattered But not so much any more Of course The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the lossBut I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number Which is a relief 
After that We moved on to discuss other matters We talked about my purging And how I'm going to have to get on top of it We made a list of things for me to do this weekWhich includes Making a meal plan Three meals and two snacks Go to a meeting Keep a food diary No weighing And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out Mary has such faith in meShe tells me that I am not realising my potential And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I loveShe talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years agoAnd that the response she got afterwards was over whelmingThat was so lovely to hear As speaking at that conference meant so much to me I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferersI felt like I was speaking for our whole community And I wanted to do you all proud It was one of the scariest things I have ever done But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult Because it makes no sense Even to the sufferer But I did my best And that's all I can do 
Mary and I spoke for another while About having things to doAnd also about self care Which is something that Breda also speaks aboutLooking after myself Doing things for me Things I enjoyI guess I don't do a lot of that I used to swim in the mornings Got to meetings Meet friends Go in to town I used to do reflexology Or get my eye brows done Lately I've been letting all that slip I was telling MaryThat if I'm home alone I don't cookI don't light a fire Don't even turn on the heatWhy?Because it's just me And it would just be a waste In other words I don't deserve itAnd that speaks volumes me thinks I look at my MumShe has a nice life carved out for herself Lots of friends Hobbies Like book clubsAnd she recently became a Samaritan Where she will be working on a helpline She always has something to doSome where to beSomeone to meetSo I can take my cue from herFollow her example As she really is an amazing role model 
SoI have a busy week ahead of meI have two appointments with Mary next weekJust until I am back on trackI need to focus on my foodPlan ShopPrepare Have everything to hand So it's not a chore I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes I either give myself too much or not enoughAnd if I am going to purgeI definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable I love my foodAnd I don't want to feel deprived I do need to get my food and eating under control Because my normal is under or over eating My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throatAnd throwing up until I taste bileMy normal is feeling dizzy when I stand upIt's spending €50 at a time on food And eating it all in the space of 24 hoursMy normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanityMy normal is standing the scales every morning And measuring my self worth from the number I seeMy normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest Like it might give out at any minute This is my normalThis is my life This is what I deal with all day, every dayBecause my ED does not take holidays Or days off My ED has endless energyAnd I am often worn out long before it is Because the truth is I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me And I am clawing my way back They say that first time recovery is a giftThe second time you work for itAnd the third And the fourth 
I told Mary about the job I applied for She thought it was great newsBut emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work outThis is good advice I think And something I need to be prepared for The closing date for applications was yesterdaySo they will be going through them todayAnd hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or MondayI can't help but be excited about itBut I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful AnywayWe'll see soon enough 
Marry gave me two appointments for next weekJust for a bit of extra supportWhich I will gladly accept Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around Let's hope I can bounce back yet again

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